The End of Pregnancy: Thoughts & Stuff No One Else Will Tell You

This is a photo from my baby shower. These are some of my best friends.  I had just entered my ninth and final month of pregnancy when this photo was snapped.  I am 38 weeks pregnant today. 

My friend Jennifer--friends since Kindergarten!

My original due date was September 22nd.  My doctors moved that due date back to October 6th based on my measurements and my first ultrasound.  I think perhaps they had the first due date right though. 

As I type this I am dilated to 3 cm, effaced to 80%, and the baby is at -1 station (possibly more than all that--those measurements are as of Thursday).  In "I'm not a freaking L&D nurse nor am I pregnant" speak this means that I am 2 cm away from being dilated enough to be admitted to the hospital and 20% away from having a cervix thin enough for it to dilate to 10 (that's when you can push), and the baby's head is as far down as it can go without entering the birth canal--which it can't do until I dilate a little more.  In other words, I'll probably go into labor pretty soon. Maybe even today.

My impending labor and delivery has me feeling rather contemplative.  If you've been following along then you know I am critically high risk and the words "medically necessary termination of pregnancy" were bandied about multiple times by my team (yes, team) of doctors.  To say the delivery will be risky for me is an understatement.  I had fear. I lived with it most of this pregnancy.  Fear I would miscarry again.  Fear I wouldn't make it to 30 weeks which was my doctors' goal because no one thought I could go full term.  Fear my baby would inherit my horrible heart issues.  Fear I would die before I ever got to find out if our Ninja Baby is a boy or a girl, fear I would die before I ever saw my miracle's face or held him/her in my arms.  So much fear. So much pain.  So many tears shed in private and prayers desperately uttered in hospital rooms.

But I don't feel any fear right now.  The hour is drawing close and I will be having this baby some time very soon.  But I'm not afraid at all right now.  I'm oddly calm.  My soul is quiet.  My heart is full.  I am zen. I embody peace.  I don't know how I got to this peaceful place, but I'm grateful for it. 

I've made it further than anyone thought I could.  We've made it--me and this baby--we made it.  Perhaps by sheer force of will as my OB says repeatedly at every appointment.  Perhaps because some greater power has bigger plans for us than we'll ever know right now.  Perhaps because of all the love we've been surrounded by.  Whatever the reason.....we've made it this far and I have peace, a deep, inexplicable, all encompassing peace.

Now for the fun stuff.  I want to tell you some things no one ever tells you about pregnancy. These are all true:

• Morning sickness is really all day long sickness, and if you're lucky enough (*sarcasm*) to have HG like I did it might be so awful that you live in the bathroom floor, the toilet becomes your best friend, and you lose 13 pounds when you're supposed to be gaining weight.  It also comes on all of a sudden and you just might puke in the middle of the floor because you can't make it to the bathroom.  
• Smells that you used to think were wonderful may suddenly make you puke.  You might even forbid your husband from wearing his favorite cologne and you might have to start bathing with an unscented soap.
• Your OB will be obsessed with your bowel movements.  They'll ask you if you're constipated more times than you care to count.
• That pregnancy glow everyone talks about? Not everyone gets that and sometimes it's just sweat.
• Your bump probably won't appear as soon as you want it to and you'll find yourself staring at yourself in the mirror wondering if your tummy looks just a little rounder than it did an hour ago.  
• BOOBS! If you don't have 'em, you're gonna get 'em.  And they're going to HURT.  
• The closer you get to your due date, the funnier your nipples are going to look because they get darker and your milk ducts become more visible.  
• You will fart and belch and have heartburn--even if you've never had any of these issues before. Oh it will happen.  Probably in the middle of a crowded place and everyone will know it was you.
• You will cry. A lot. For no reason. You will cry because you spilled your drink and this is clearly the only cup of tea you've ever wanted in your entire life and it is irreplaceable.  You will cry because...wait, why were you crying?
• Your baby will kick you so hard that you might get a bruise (I did).
• Remember when you were politically correct, possessed a filter, and tried not to hurt people's feelings? Yeah, I don't either. Oh wait--you're not me.  All of that will go away and you will be downright malicious if someone eats the last cookie and you suddenly have a craving for it.  
• If you thought you liked sex before....get ready.  You're about to wear your husband out.
• When you hit your last trimester you will feel like a planet and your bump will stretch all of your ligaments out so you'll have aches in places you didn't know you could have aches. Not so cute now, is it?
• You might not gain all the weight they tell you to gain. I didn't.  I'm learning that's okay. Every body is different and your body is gonna do what it's gonna do.
• When the baby drops you will be able to breathe better, but your crotch will feel like someone is shoving on it from the inside (because someone is) and it will hurt.  There will be pressure there like you've never felt before and you'll wonder just how big that damn baby's head is and how it's gonna come out.
• Your baby can shove it's head down so hard and so far that it will make your ass hurt.  Yes, really.
• Your significant other might get more nervous than you are as the due date gets closer.
• You will want to punch people who give you unsolicited advice and opinions.  

That's all I can think of now.  You can look forward to reading a similar post about delivery after I experience that!