Adventures with Electronics

Do you remember that post I wrote a long time ago about how my GPS was out to get me?  Well, it is.  I swear. And it's not just my GPS.  It's pretty much all electronics.  They're not as violent as my GPS (remember, she wants to kills me), but they're still pretty awful.

Electronic devices simply do not like me.  I don't know why.  I didn't do anything to any of them (well that's not entirely true....I do occasionally give a misbehaving piece of technology a good whack to make it work properly but hey they ask for it).  It must be some kind of natural law:  electronic devices of all sorts will malfunction when placed within five feet of an annoyed Jennifer Welborn.

And they do.  Seriously.  I can't even wear a watch because the battery always goes dead after 2 or 3 days.  Watches must not like my mother either--the same thing happens to her.  We're watch killers.  I wish we weren't.  I really love watches.  I can't stop myself from buying them.  Too bad they all die after a few hours on my wrist.

Computers usually work for me.  We have an understanding--I won't kick the computer if the computer will simply allow me to play online, do my research, and write stuff. 

Other electronics--not so much. 

Last week all of the equipment in my office revolted.  It all started with the computer (and computers and I usually get on so well!).  I tried to login to my work email and the whole damn thing froze.  I tried ctrl + alt + delete.  Nothing.  No task manager.  Instead my stupid computer decided to get mouthy.  It started beeping--LOUDLY.  I shhh-ed it.  I asked it to be quiet.  Then I got mad and told it it had better stop or else.  It must have known it was in eminent danger. It stopped beeping.  But it still wouldn't do anything.  I had to call the tech guy (with whom I am already on a first name basis).

I decided to copy some things while B. was working on the computer.  I put a stack of papers into the copier, entered my copier code, and happily pressed start.  BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!  What?! Holy freaking hell!  Damn you copier!  Damn you all to hell!  Is there an error message?  I examine the electronic screen.  Nope.  No error message.  Hmmmm.....is there a paper jam?  I start opening drawers, doors, and compartments.  Um no--no paper jam.  "You listen to me you stupid copier--you're going to copy my damn papers or else,"  I whisper to the horrid machine. 

I reload the paper.  BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!  Seriously?!  B. sticks his head in the door, grinning, "Computer's fixed!"  I shake my head, "That's great.  The copier's not."

B. shakes his head, "Seriously?  What did you do to it?"

"I didn't do anything to it!"  I stomp out of the room. 

Then the fax machine goes bonkers.  It actually spat at me.  It spat paper at me.  Like it was possessed by the devil.  Sheet after sheet flew through the air and into my face.  I unplugged it and still the papers came. 

Then the industrial stapler was jammed.  My boss used it.  It worked for her.  I try to use it and it jams. It also got mouthy--making some hideous grinding noise at me.  I think it may have been cursing at me.  How dare that thing call me names?

The laminator thingie also decided to go haywire.  It burned me.  That's ok though.  I taught it a lesson.  I unplugged it and locked it in a dark closet.  That'll teach it!

Then my cell phone decided since everyone else was misbehaving it should join the fun.  It locked itself and would not unlock no matter what I did.  I took the battery out and let it feel death for a few minutes.  That'll teach it to mess with me!  It hasn't misbehaved since.

I am convinced my GPS is leading this electronic revolt.  I'm not sure how she got to all of my machines, but she did.