Feelin' Blue

I hate that expression.  Why is blue associated with sadness?  For me blue emotes peace and calm, serenity.  It's the color of still waters and a cloudless sky.  That's not sad.  That's beautiful. Blue is also my favorite color, so I guess I'm a little biased. 

But today I am not feeling peaceful or serene or even particularly calm.  I am antsy.  I am discontent.  I am a bit sad.  I am uneasy.  I am the stereotype that expression fulfills.

I suppose I have a few reasons for feeling this way today.

Last night my aunt got some bad news.  She has been cancer free for six years.  Yesterday she found out the breast cancer returned.  That's never good news.  We are all upset and nervous and hopeful.  We are hopeful that she will beat it again. 

I also have a paper to write this weekend for a graduate degree I'm still not sure I even want.  I know I need to have some kind of plan though, so I'm going to finish it.  I'm just not very excited about my classes this semester.  I wish I was. I really do.  But I'm not. I'm not excited about them.  I'm getting a degree as a backup plan.  I really just want to write.  It's all I've ever wanted to do.  Write. And get paid for it.  But I know that's not exactly feasible.  It doesn't happen for a lot of people.  I'm too practical to take that leap without providing myself with a safety net.

My very first 5k ever is tomorrow.  I'm nervous about that too.  I haven't been medically permitted to run since I was 12.  I'm afraid I'm too slow to finish the race in the allotted time.  I'm also afraid I'll come in last.  I know that's ridiculous.  I should just be glad I'm able to do it at all.  It's a big deal for me to be able to run after so long.  It's a big deal that my health is improving.  That should be enough. 

So anyway, I woke up feeling a little blue and a lot uneasy.  I guess we all have days like this.  Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.