Assuming I'm Something I'm Not

Photo courtesy of Motifake

I know I've been writing about the big ugly d-word a lot lately.  No, not that one! Perv!  Divorce!  Divorce is the word I'm talking about here.  I promise I will start writing about other stuff again soon, but right now this divorce is kind of a big deal and it takes up a lot of space in my life and I write about my own experiences, so here's another one on divorce.

Earlier this week someone in my family informed me that I "should" (her diction, not mine) sign over my part of the house and "let" my ex "move on and be happy" because (here's the kicker) I've "moved on and I'm happy now, so he should get to do the same."  There are SEVERAL problems with this statement and (justifiably in my opinion) this conversation upset me on several levels.

First, it presupposes that someone who is NOT actually living this horrible experience knows more about it, my relationship with my ex, and my own inner turmoil than I do.  You can't possibly know more about my divorce than I do.  It is NOT possible.  No one can know more about this than me because no one else is living this.  No one else is in my shoes.  You can't tell me what I 'should' do. I resent the very implication that you--an outsider--could possibly determine what I 'should' or 'shouldn't' do in this situation.  You can't!  It's that simple.

Second, this statement assumes that you know more about how to handle this situation than I do.  I don't care if you've been divorced (and the person in question has not, by the way, ever been through a divorce), your divorce is not my divorce.  The two are not the same.  Similar?  Maybe.  The same?  Absolutely not.  Your situation was radically different from my situation because the two people involved are radically different.  No two relationships are exactly the same.  Therefore, no two divorces are exactly the same either.

Third, the very nature of the entire sentence "You should sign over your part of the house so he can move on and he can be happy because you've already moved on and are happy and he deserves to be able to do the same" expresses more concern for my ex than for me.  That's not okay in this instance.  It is not acceptable to be more concerned about my ex and his well being, his emotional and financial fitness, than mine.  That is not being supportive.  Let his family and friends throw me under the bus.  You don't get to.  You're either with me or against me on this one (or out of it entirely--I can handle that option to).  There is no murky gray area here.  If you are MY family then you are supposed to support ME in this mess.  ME.  Just me.  Not anybody else.  You know why?  Because I guaran-damn-tee you his family isn't concerned about me in this.  Nor should they be.

And finally, the most egregious part of this statement, the most hurtful and anger-inducing aspect, is that this statement assumes that I am "happy."  This statement assumes that I'm somehow perfectly one hundred and ten percent okay, which by the way implies that I am some kind of heartless robot.

I may not be curled into the fetal position in the middle of the floor sobbing hysterically and sucking my thumb, but that does not mean that I am fine.  Just because I'm not falling apart at the seams don't assume that I'm not carrying some hurt around with me.  Just because I choose not to show it to you, don't assume that I am "happy" and "fine."  Also, don't assume that just because I'm happy that means I somehow deserve less of the material things that came out of my marriage.  That's not what that means.  Am I happy?  Yes.  Some days.  Some days I am very happy.  But that doesn't mean that I am not also incredibly damaged by this toxic relationship and its end.

You are an outsider in this.  You will never know anything other than what I choose to tell you, and the truth of the matter is that while I appear to be an open book there are several chapters that are off limits to you, the outsider, the person who is not me.

I am not the kind of woman who falls to pieces. I am not the kind of woman who throws her hands up and goes crawling on hands and knees for a hole to hide in.  I don't go cry on shoulders that aren't my own, nor do I freaking want to. I do not hold up my pain for the world to see.

Considering I spent nearly a decade hiding all of my hurt from the entire world it looks like the rest of you would have figured out I'm pretty good at keeping things to myself when I want to.

I am the kind of woman who stands tall and strong, facing my problems head on.  I weather the storm on my own.  I am a big girl and I take all of this hurt like a woman--with a smile on my face and a raw determination to keep going until I find the peace I'm after.  And I will find the peace I'm after.

But right now I don't have the peace.  And I'm not asking any of you to give it to me or to tell me how to get it.  I can figure that out on my own; I can achieve this on my own.  What I am asking you to do is listen and reserve judgement for someone else.  I don't want to hear your "I woulds" and "you shoulds".  You can keep those for someone else too.  You can be supportive by listening to me and by believing in me.  You can be supportive by trusting that I am a grown woman, a strong woman, an intelligent woman who is perfectly capable of taking care of herself and coming out on top.

If you can't do that then you can be supportive by getting the hell out of my life because chances are I don't need your particular brand of support in it right now.