The atmosphere was emotionally charged. I think this photograph captures some of that energy, some of that overwhelming joy and sadness and relief.
I chose this image for my blog today because I am feeling emotionally overwhelmed, emotionally charged, chaotic. I am conflicted today. I am inundated with neuro-chemical drives that are making me happy and sad and melancholic and everything in between.
First, it's Valentine's Day. That dreaded Hallmark Holiday that people both love and hate. Women get all tied in knots every year on February 14th (yes, even the women who profess to hate the holiday are secretly disgusted if they don't have a valentine). I ashamedly admit the date likely does have something to do with my emotional upheaval today.
I am getting divorced. The man I was married to was with me for nearly a decade. It didn't work out, but he knows me. We had a routine. We would go out to eat at a fancy restaurant. He would buy me jewelry and I would buy him some kind of gadget/video game, and we would exchange them on the couch in our jammies and then we'd watch a redbox movie. It doesn't sound like much, but there's something to be said for the comfort of the known. There is something to be said for the comfort of knowing what is to come and knowing that you're fine. So I find myself missing that routine because I've done it every year for the past 9 years. I think I'm allowed to miss that, aren't I?
Second, I am missing a man I loved madly years ago who died quite tragically before we got the chance to really finish what we started. I miss him so very much that quite literally every breath I take today hurts. Every time I blink my eyes I see his face behind my closed lids. I see his sideways grin and that blond hair that always fell into his blue-green eyes. And I miss him. I miss him deeply. I ache with it. I hurt with it. I am drowning in this pain, almost as if it were a fresh wound and not years old as it actually is. I wonder if the ache will ever vanish completely, or if it will continue to surprise me on days like today for the rest of my life. Is it masochistic that I welcome this pain? I welcome it because it reminds me of this beautiful person I was blessed with once, and if I didn't have the pain then I wouldn't have had him. Does that makes sense? Regardless, I hurt for him today. I long for him. I weep for him.
And finally, I had a fight with one of my best friends. I have this double standard. I can say whatever I please about the people I love, but by god the second someone else implies something ugly about someone I love (especially if that something is unfounded) then holy hell I get pissed. I don't like it when people make unfair judgments based on assumptions that simply aren't true and it doesn't really matter who those people are, but it somehow seems worse when the person making the judgment is someone you communicate openly with and strive not to judge yourself. If I don't judge you then why do you get to judge me? Is this a communication error or did this person actually intentionally say something quite awful about another someone that I care about? And why do I have to feel bad about it? I didn't do anything wrong this time and I think I'd rather be proud here than apologetic. I am tired of apologizing for things I didn't do. I am tired of being the sounding board who is never heard when I need to be.
And that's how I feel today--silenced, grieving, melancholy, nostalgic, aching, hurting, overwhelmed. My heart is full today. It is full of unshed tears, broken dreams, and hurt. I simply ache today. I hurt. There are no words for this overwhelming grief.
So happy Valentine's Day to the rest of you and may your heart be filled with love and joy today, as my own is not.
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