I have quite a few guy friends, and no offense fellas' but I'm constantly shocked by what appears to be your outright stupidity. I watch you guys make the same mistakes over and over again, and then stare at the women you've pissed off with looks of utter confusion. How can you possibly be confused when this behavior has already landed you in hot water previously? I don't get it. So let me help you out.
1. You cannot flirt with your ex girlfriend on the phone, in person, or even online. EVER. We don't care if you dated her 20 years ago. Two decades isn't enough lapsed time for us to be forgiving of your flirty-flirts with your ex. What would enough time be? Ask me again in the next millennium. Bottom line: your ex is your EX for a reason and you shouldn't want her in your life. If you still want her in your life then go be with her and stop wasting our time.
2. When your lady asks you a question and the answer is likely to get you in trouble it is safe to assume SHE ALREADY KNOWS THE ANSWER AND YOU'RE ALREADY IN TROUBLE. Lying won't save you. Trust me, she knows. You think there is no way she could ever find out about that night at the strip club two years ago when you got drunk and kissed a stripper---oh, but she did. She found out. Yes, it's been two years. You thought you were Scot free. *shakes head* Awww. No. She found out, honey. You'll never know how she found out. She'll never tell you. The how isn't important. Now that she knows there's only one way to get out of it: fess up. Tell the truth and apologize. Lay it on thick. She'll forgive you almost anything.....as long as you grow a pair and own up to your crime. If you lie to her face about something she already knows then you might as well flush your relationship down the crapper.
3. We know when you think another chick is hot. You don't hide it well. If we call you on it then just say something like "Yes, she's attractive. But your ass is better and I was just thinking that girl is cute but she's not as beautiful as my girlfriend." We might not buy it, but most of us will roll our eyes and stop bitching. Next time try not to so blatantly check out the waitress's rack. And if you check out ever hot piece of @$$ that walks by, you'll be watching your girlfriend's hot buns walk right out of your life. Also, most of us don't mind (that much) if you look, but if you ever touch (even a hug) be prepared to be punished for it for the next year.
4. Help with the housework and you'll probably get laid on more regular basis. It's a fact. Men who help out around the house are more likely to have sex on a regular basis. I'm serious. Ask any woman you know. She'll agree. When we come home from a long day of work or we've been taking care of the kids all day, and we walk into the kitchen to find you standing there doing the dishes---oh baby, that's hot.
5. When we have PMS don't say "God you must have period" or anything to that affect. Also, don't assume that we're only flipping out on you because we have our period. You might have done something stupid. Blaming your stupidity on our period may result in bodily injury--to your testicles. Are we more touchy right before our periods? Yes. You would be too if your stomach felt like a linebacker kicked you in it, you were bloated, and your head hurt. What can you do to help? Give us chocolate, wine, and affection. And keep your stupid mouth shut. Can you handle that for 4 or 5 days? I thought so.
6. If we willingly went to see "Cowboys and Aliens" (or really any 'guy movie') with you then we expect you to cuddle on the couch while watching "When Harry Met Sally" without complaint. We might even ask you to take us to see a romantic comedy at the movie theatre. If we can sit through something as absurd as aliens attacking cowboys in a sci-fi western flick, then you can sit through Kate Hudson's latest girly movie.
7. If you ask what's wrong and we answer with "nothing" it's probably something, and "fine" is NEVER a good response. Also "go ahead" really means "If you dare do that I am going to kick you in the balls." No, this doesn't make sense. Yes, we need to learn to communicate more directly. No, we aren't likely to ever be as direct as you want us to be. Your best bet? Ask again in an hour and then explain CALMLY that if you don't know what you did then you can't learn from your mistake. I know this isn't fair. I try really hard not to be guilty of this communication glitch. However, even I occasionally fall into the trap of saying "fine" when I'm really thinking "You're full of shit and I don't believe a word you're saying you giant jackass." It's a girl thing.
I'm sure there are plenty more, but these are the basics. You guys need some help.
Of course, the ladies do stupid stuff too. Feel free to leave us some tips in the comments ;)
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