Motherhood: Part I

Motherhood did not come to me in the traditional sense.  I did not pee on a stick to learn I was pregnant. I did not watch my belly grow bigger and my body change. I did not give birth to a bellowing infant.  I did not fill out mounds of legal paperwork while waiting on a birth mother to choose me.  I did not travel to an orphanage in a foreign land with the intent of coming home with a child.  I did not adopt.  No, motherhood did not come to me via those traditional routes.

Motherhood came to me slowly, unexpectedly.  I started dating a man who had children.  I must admit that I struggled with that for a while.  It's not easy to go from being childless and  having only yourself to worry about to being with someone who has children and therefore has more than just themselves (and you) to worry about.  I had to make sure I was ready for that added responsibility, that I was prepared to love these little girls as much as if I had actually given birth to them myself.  I took that very seriously, and I did not get serious with Kenneth until I was certain I could do that.

I think I surprised myself when I realized I not only could do that, but I was already in love with this man and his children (including Ava, whom I had not even met yet).

 I started pushing Kenneth to be there for Ava.  She was out of state but that didn't mean she shouldn't be considered and always in the forefront of our thoughts.  That didn't mean we should not bend over backwards to try to make sure she knew she was a part of our family, and to ensure that she felt like a part of this family.

 So now all four of us (myself, Kenneth, Ava, and her mom) are doing all we can to make sure Ava is able to be a part of our family too.  Ava is sweet and opinionated, and very creative.  I think she likes coming here, and I know we all love having her here.  Ava loves her daddy and seeing the two of them together melts my heart.  She's starting to love me too, and I know she's worth the wait so I'll be patient and keep doing the only thing a parent can do--the very best I can from where I am to do what's best and right for her. I love her. I will wait for her to love me too.

Issa's situation  is different.  We just got joint custody of Issa earlier this year and we have her half the week.  I spend a lot of time teaching Issa things:  her abcs, her 123s, how to write her name, how to sound out words, the days of the week, how to tie her shoes (we haven't gotten that one down yet).  I put Issa in dance classes because she said she wanted to take dance, and I've gone out of my way to make sure her bio mommy is involved.  We play dress up and I know her favorite things without having to ask (because she's here so much). I take care of her when she's sick. We're very bonded and we both love each other very much.  That didn't happen over night either, but I'm glad it did happen.

These girls don't call me Mom.  They probably never will.  But you know what?  I am their mom.  I am their mom not only because I love them with my whole heart, but because I put them first.  I put these girls before myself and my needs and my wants.  I try to teach them as much as I love them.  I take my daughters into consideration every time I do anything.   Ava and Issa are always in my thoughts, my prayers, and my heart. If that's not being their mom, then I don't know what is.

While I do want to experience pregnancy and having biological children of my own one day, those experiences are not what makes a woman a mother.  A mother is a person who not only loves a child, but who takes care of that child. A mother makes sure her child is fed, clothed, and happy. A mother teaches her child and instills compassion and self-respect in that child.  I might not do all of those things alone (and more power to the women who do), but I do do all of those things.  That makes me a mother, and it makes me their mother.  I have been a teacher, a published author, a scholar, and even an expert.  I've won awards and accolades and once I was even a Commissioner.  But you know what?  "Mother" is the title I take the most pride in because it's the one "job" I put the most of myself in.