Out the Window

Photo courtesy of this blog.

I was still a teenager the first time I ever thought about a birth plan.  I was 19 years old and sitting in a college classroom learning about maternity nursing and midwifery when the professor gave us an assignment:  write a birth plan.  We would have two weeks to research the amazing variety of options available for labor and delivery and at the end of that two weeks we would have to present our plan to the classroom, and we'd have to justify every choice we made.  At the time I did not think I'd ever have children.  I had, in fact, sworn not to ever give birth or be a mother.  Nevertheless, I took this assignment very seriously and I researched it with myself in mind.  What would I want if I were giving birth?  What choices would I make as an informed woman?  What would be best for my body and my hypothetical baby?

I delved into my textbook and went to the library to check out every pregnancy book I could get my hands on.  Then two weeks later I presented my birth plan to the class.  My plan was different than most of the other birth plans.  Most people went with the standard hospital birth:  hydration via intravenous fluids, epidural to relieve pain, lying down during the first stage of labor, continuous fetal and contraction monitoring, give the baby antibiotic eye ointment after birth, etc. 

My plan differed from that greatly.  All of my research indicated that women who were allowed to hydrate naturally without IVs and whom walked around during stage one of labor had shorter and less complicated deliveries.  Epidurals can make pushing less effective and increase risk of caesarian section.  The eye ointment they put in a baby's eyes impedes vision for a few hours and is unnecessary unless the mother has an STD.  So my birth plan included delivery at a birthing center with no intravenous fluids, the ability to hydrate naturally, freedom to move around during all but the final stages of labor, pushing in a squatting position or in a birth tub, no epidural for pain management, no unnecessary fetal monitoring, and no antibiotic eye ointment. 

In the decade since I created this birth plan I have never once questioned its validity.  When I found out I was pregnant I pulled it out and examined it again and again, and though it had been ten years since I initially wrote it, I knew in my heart this was the optimal birth plan.  This was the best case scenario for having a happy, healthy birth experience.  This, though created when I was still a teenager and long before I ever even thought I would be a mother, was my birth plan.

This entire pregnancy I have had one choice after another taken away from me out of medical necessity.  Last week my entire birth plan was thrown out the window.  I am too high risk to deliver at a birthing center. I have to change doctors and deliver at a hospital.  An epidural was never a choice I was given in the first place so even if I wanted one I couldn't have it because my body does not metabolize anesthesia properly and it would make me sick.  Hospitals pretty much mandate that you labor from the bed and have all kinds of monitors hooked up to you from the get go.  I won't have a water birth option, and I'll be lucky if I am allowed to squat during delivery.  At this point I will not even be permitted to select my own doctor.  I have to transfer to an ultra high risk practice and the doctor "best suited to meet my unique needs" will be selected for me. 

To say I was devastated would be an understatement.  My husband held me while I sobbed hysterically for the better part of an hour.  Once I finally calmed down enough to drive myself home I went home where I cried some more.  This has been a difficult pill to swallow.  I have no control anymore.  My birth experience will not be anything like what I envisioned for myself, my husband, or our baby. 

I have had several people tell me this baby was a miracle in and of itself and therefore I shouldn't be upset about this abrupt change in birth plans.  I am well aware my baby is a miracle.  No one is more fully aware of the miracle growing inside me or the fact that this pregnancy by all rights should medically not even be possible than I am. 

I've also been told that the most important thing is for myself and the baby to come through this healthy and the birth plan doesn't matter.  Well maybe a birth plan did not matter to you, but it sure as hell mattered to me.  And of course I am also well aware that having a healthy baby is the most important end result of this pregnancy.  It is absurd to assume I don't know that.  It is absurd to assume I am more concerned with a birth plan than a healthy baby. 

But the bottom line is, I am allowed to grieve the loss of my birth plan and the illusion of control it has afforded me throughout this high risk pregnancy and all of the bed rest and activity restrictions I've been subjected to.  I am allowed to be upset that I won't be able to have the experience I wanted.  I am allowed to be a little bit selfish and angry, and wish that my body would allow me the opportunity to live out my own birth plan.  And I should be able to feel this way without facing the judgment of other women, women who, for the most part, have never had to walk in my shoes and who had the option of their own birth plans even if they did not take that option.

I am more at peace with this now than I was at the beginning of last week.  I am more able to process this, and more fully aware that there are certainly women who are facing or who have faced much worse situations than this one.  I find myself incredibly grateful that this baby is still healthy and growing inside of me, and I am overcome with relief and joy every time I feel him (or her) move.