Why I Drop the "Step" in "Step Mom" and "Step Chidren"

I have been blessed with two children, and our third is currently using my ribs as a xylophone as she (or he--we chose to be surprised) grows inside my womb.

Our little family, though, is not what you'd call traditional--if such a thing even exists anymore.  My two daughters are actually my "step" daughters, and I am their "step" mom.  I abhor that title though.  I abhor the use of the word "step".  We've eradicated it from our vocabulary.

We don't use "step" in this house.  "Step" places an otherness on these children who are not biologically mine that is not fair to them.  It also places an otherness on me that it is simply not necessary to label.  Our daughters know I am not the woman who carried them inside my womb.  Our daughters know the difference between their mommy and me.  But, much to the consternation and confusion of many, we choose to forgo the "step" label, and we choose not to place the emphasis on the biological difference between myself and these beautiful girls.

We likewise do not use the "half" label.  Our girls are technically "half" sisters.  They do not have the same biological mother.  However, they're WHOLE sisters as far as we are concerned.  There is no need to diminish that relationship.  So we don't.  They're sisters.  The end.

Now, back to the "step" thing.  I had step parents.  I had a step mother and a step father.  I never felt like these people were my parents or wanted to be my parents or even loved me in the same way my parents did.  In some ways that was pretty hurtful.  I didn't have parents who were around much or who seemed very interested in building relationships with me (or maybe they just didn't know how), and my step parents weren't very interested either.  I was just an obligation.  Their own children were not obligations.  I was different.  My brother was different.  We were not the same.  We were other.  We were "step".

That is not to say our parents did not love us. They did. That is not to say I didn't love my step parents. I did.  But the difference was there.  The difference was emphasized.  The difference was apparent.  They were not my parents. I was not their child.  They didn't want me to be either.  And that is okay.

But I don't want my children to experience the otherness I experienced.  I do not want them to feel "other" than the child I'm carrying in my womb.  I do not want them to feel displaced or not cared for enough or different in some big, glaring, important way.

I want our girls to see me as a mother figure, or at the very least to know I love them just exactly the same as I love this baby growing in my womb.  Because you know what?  I do.  I do love them just exactly the same.

I know not every person is capable of that--of loving a child who is not biologically their own exactly the same as if that child were biologically their own.  But I am capable and I do love them--exactly the same.

I want them to know that. I want them to know their place in this family is IN this family.  They're not outside looking in.  They're not different.  They're not "step."  They are loved--wholly and completely--by both myself and my husband.

So we do not use "step."  I claim them. I claim them as my daughters every single day with every beat of my heart. I claim them to their face. I claim them in public. I claim them where they can hear me claim them.  They are mine too.  I claim them in hopes they will never feel "other" or "step" or "different."  I claim them in hopes that they will never view me as the evil stepmother stereotype perpetuated by various forms of media.  I claim them and will continue to claim them and love them as my own, even if they don't do the same (and that choice is theirs to make--not mine), because in my heart they are mine too.  They are mine even as I share them with their mothers and their father. 

We don't drop the "step" as an affront to their mothers.  We don't drop the "step" to diminish their relationships with their moms.  In fact we let the girls talk freely about their moms and we encourage them to see the beauty and good aspects of their mothers because I think that is important.  We tell them they look like their moms sometimes because of course they do. I want them to have rich relationships with their moms.....and their dad.....and one another....and me to.

I want them to know they're surrounded by love, and we all love them so much we'd do anything for them.

We tell them they're special and they get an extra mom and maybe one day they'll get an extra dad too, and that just means they have all this extra love around them all the time. 


So we don't use "step."  We just don't.  If you do then that's your choice, and I respect it.  But people have asked me why we don't use "step" and this is my answer. We do not use "step" because we don't believe in making anyone in this family feel like an outsider.  There is no "other" here.  We're all family, and that family include the girls' biological moms too.