Love and Trust

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I have heard lots of people say that love and trust walk hand in hand.  I don't think that's true.  Actually, I know it's not true.  I know you can love someone you don't trust because I have loved someone I don't trust.  You can also trust someone you don't love.  However, I also know that in order for a relationship to work you have to be able to trust the person you love.  Once trust is broken it is very difficult to earn back, especially if it was given freely to begin with.

I have significant trust issues.  I know everyone says they have trust issues, but I have "should probably see a shrink about it" deep-seated trust issues.  I'm not going to get into all the various reasons I have trust issues, but suffice it to say I have given trust to the wrong people repeatedly and had very little opportunity to experience trust not betrayed.  So I don't give trust away easily, and when I do trust you it's kind of a big deal. 

I have a suspicious nature.  I look for ulterior motives behind every action.  It's instinctual, not intentional.  I catch myself doing it and try to correct it, but I'm not always able to.  I am suspicious of everything.  I ask a million questions and some of them are likely insulting when the action was actually well intended.  I hate myself for doing it, but I can't seem to help it.  The people who know me best understand and aren't offended.  I don't know what everyone else thinks.

This high risk pregnancy has tested every deeply ingrained trust issue I have.  I've had medical professionals screw up everything from my lab results to my medical chart.  I need to trust my doctors, but due to various health issues I didn't even have a single practice taking care of my pregnancy until I hit the 6 month mark and even they have screwed up things here and there.  So I don't trust the people who will be delivering this baby one hundred percent, and I really feel like I need to.  I don't know how to get that since I never trust anyone one hundred percent anyway.

I've also had lots of cause to stop trusting various people whom I thought loved me and I trusted completely.  That just makes everything worse.  I am a proud person. It is very difficult for me to lean on others. It is even more difficult for me to admit I need help and to accept help.  I've had to swallow that pride and take help this time though, and it is terribly hurtful when some of the people you loved most turn out to be the least trustful people you know.  It's heartbreaking, really.

Of course I've also found that people I never thought would care do.  I've discovered friends where I thought I only had acquaintances.  I've discovered trust where I never would have given it previously.  I've had compassion from very unexpected sources.  All of that helps in ways I am not even sure other people could understand. 

I suppose the point of my pregnant, hormonal rambling is that you should never take someone's trust in you for granted because once it's gone you might not ever be able to get it back.  Not to mention it is incredibly cruel to use someone's trust in you to betray them.  That may be the cruelest thing you could do to another person.  So if someone trusts you then be worthy of it.