Holiday Spirit

Typically as soon as Thanksgiving is over, I jump wholeheartedly into Christmas planning.  I pull out all of the decor and the house is decorated by the Sunday after Thanksgiving.  The tree is up, the wreath is on the door, and the fireplace mantle is filled with all my lovely holiday knickknacks.

I am usually finished with all of my Christmas shopping by the first weekend in December.  Everything is wrapped and under the tree, family portraits are taken (with furbabies forced into a closeness they do not appreciate for the photo), and Christmas cards are sent out by the second week of December.

I keep to this schedule every year.  I am not particularly religious, but I enjoy the holiday season.  I like the chaos.  I like the hustle and bustle.  I even (grudgingly)  like holiday music, and sometimes I even listen to it in the car. I love planning and executing holiday parties  being surrounded by my loud and lovable friends.  I am not a grinch.  I am always ready for the holidays.

I'm not ready for the holidays this year.  I am not feeling the 'holiday spirit' at all.  Not even a tiny bit.  My personal life is in shambles.  This is probably my last Christmas in the only home I've ever really had and in a house that I love more than just about anything else in the world.  My family is not doing well financially so they made the decision not to exchange any gifts at all this year.  None.  No monetary limit, no homemade gifts, no dirty Santa game.  I know the holidays are not about gifts, but I really enjoy buying the people I love things I know they will enjoy.  I want to buy them stuff.  Even if I can't afford it.  But I know that I can't, because if I do it will make people uncomfortable and upset with me.

I am also unemployed (aside from scattered babysitting/nannying gigs).  Most of the places I have applied for are not interviewing until December.  I do not like not having a job.  I am bored.  I am listless.  I am depressed.  I need something to do.

It's all driving me quite mad really.  So this year I am not graced with the holiday spirit.  I do not feel joyous.  I do not feel blessed.  I do not feel happy.  I must admit that I am more than a little bitter and a lot angry. I am trying to find a way to let go of this negativity and find some joy.

I went to the store yesterday and I found some (joy, that is).  I found a brilliant walk 'n ride on sale for my niece (who will be one in February)!  I know she is going to love it.  I know it will make her smile and giggle.  This simple and relatively cheap purchase made me smile and gave me a twinkle of the holiday spirit I am usually so immersed in this time of year.  I sat down and figured out what to get my other niece (age 6) and my nephew (who will be 3 very soon).

I have decided to throw my annual Christmas party and to make it the biggest and best yet.  If this is my last Christmas in the house I love so much then I will make it a joyful one no matter what.  I will invite my best friends (sisters really) over and we will have a giant party filled with great food, wonderful gifts for the kiddos, and lots and lots of laughter and love.