Taking Out The Trash

Photo courtesy of www.mylot.com

When I was in high school I got into a fight with a girl I thought was my best friend.  She'd slept with my boyfriend and I was understandably very angry and upset about it.  When I told my great granny about it she just looked me right in the eye and said, "Sometimes you just have to take out the trash. No one needs trash in their life."   She was straightforward, my granny, and she didn't mince words.  Maybe that's where I get it from.  It's been several years since that conversation, but I've really taken that advice to heart this year.

You see, when you go through something tough you really find out who your true friends are. I think going through a divorce shines a mirror on your entire life and shows you things you never saw before (and might not have really wanted to see).

You find out that you have hidden gems and people who weren't that close to you become best friends.  You find out people you thought were best friends are really "the trash" that you need to eliminate.  You find out that a lot of the material crap you thought you needed was really just weighing you down.  You find out what it means to be brave. You find out that you are stronger than you ever thought you were. You find out that you make your own happiness.  You find out what it means to be YOU again.

This year I have surrounded myself with supportive, loving people.  These people make me a better person.  They make me smile. They'll hold my hand while I cry.  Their presence makes me happy.  I feel blessed to have these people in my life.

Anyone who weighed me down, who didn't make me a better person, who did not make me happy--I eliminated from my life. If I didn't feel like you were a blessing, then I decided you weren't worth my time. I made a choice to get rid of the fair weather "friends" and the immature people and the negative folks.  I  made a choice to cut out selfishness and shallowness, and to stop being friends with hypocrites and judgmental people. I also cut out excess in my own life.  This was the best decision of my entire life.

In cutting out all the crap, I found myself again.  And you know what?  I like myself.  I like who I am.  I like where my life is right now.  I like where I am and who I choose to spend my time with.  I've fallen in love with life again.  It's amazing. 

So this post is me letting go.  I mean really letting go--letting go of all the anger and resentment and sadness and ill will directed toward other people.  All that stuff just weighs me down, and I deserve to be light and happy.  So I'm letting it go.  I'm so blessed, why do I need to hang on to all this negativity?  I don't.

I'm going to share a tiny piece of my happiness with you. I had a photoshoot last weekend and it was amazing.  I was fortunate enough to have one of the best pinup photographers in the world photograph me.  I am so blessed.  I've always wanted to have pinups done, and now I have.  Here's one just for you:

Holiday Spirit

Typically as soon as Thanksgiving is over, I jump wholeheartedly into Christmas planning.  I pull out all of the decor and the house is decorated by the Sunday after Thanksgiving.  The tree is up, the wreath is on the door, and the fireplace mantle is filled with all my lovely holiday knickknacks.

I am usually finished with all of my Christmas shopping by the first weekend in December.  Everything is wrapped and under the tree, family portraits are taken (with furbabies forced into a closeness they do not appreciate for the photo), and Christmas cards are sent out by the second week of December.

I keep to this schedule every year.  I am not particularly religious, but I enjoy the holiday season.  I like the chaos.  I like the hustle and bustle.  I even (grudgingly)  like holiday music, and sometimes I even listen to it in the car. I love planning and executing holiday parties  being surrounded by my loud and lovable friends.  I am not a grinch.  I am always ready for the holidays.

I'm not ready for the holidays this year.  I am not feeling the 'holiday spirit' at all.  Not even a tiny bit.  My personal life is in shambles.  This is probably my last Christmas in the only home I've ever really had and in a house that I love more than just about anything else in the world.  My family is not doing well financially so they made the decision not to exchange any gifts at all this year.  None.  No monetary limit, no homemade gifts, no dirty Santa game.  I know the holidays are not about gifts, but I really enjoy buying the people I love things I know they will enjoy.  I want to buy them stuff.  Even if I can't afford it.  But I know that I can't, because if I do it will make people uncomfortable and upset with me.

I am also unemployed (aside from scattered babysitting/nannying gigs).  Most of the places I have applied for are not interviewing until December.  I do not like not having a job.  I am bored.  I am listless.  I am depressed.  I need something to do.

It's all driving me quite mad really.  So this year I am not graced with the holiday spirit.  I do not feel joyous.  I do not feel blessed.  I do not feel happy.  I must admit that I am more than a little bitter and a lot angry. I am trying to find a way to let go of this negativity and find some joy.

I went to the store yesterday and I found some (joy, that is).  I found a brilliant walk 'n ride on sale for my niece (who will be one in February)!  I know she is going to love it.  I know it will make her smile and giggle.  This simple and relatively cheap purchase made me smile and gave me a twinkle of the holiday spirit I am usually so immersed in this time of year.  I sat down and figured out what to get my other niece (age 6) and my nephew (who will be 3 very soon).

I have decided to throw my annual Christmas party and to make it the biggest and best yet.  If this is my last Christmas in the house I love so much then I will make it a joyful one no matter what.  I will invite my best friends (sisters really) over and we will have a giant party filled with great food, wonderful gifts for the kiddos, and lots and lots of laughter and love.

A Circle of Women

This post will be wholly directed at other women.  Sorry guys, but this one is just not meant for you! If you want to read it anyway then go right ahead--maybe it will offer you some insight on the opposite sex.

I have to start this post out with a disclaimer:  I am not a single lady.  I am married.  I have been married for six years.  My husband is wonderful, but this post is not about men.  It's about women. 

I have a lot of single friends.  In fact, none of my best friends are married yet (well one is, but that's about to change).  Several of my dearest friends remain single.  I have lately noticed a disturbing trend among some of my single friends.  These beautiful, strong women are posting statuses on facebook (and saying things on the phone) that lead me to believe they think they actually need a man.

I know what you're thinking:  you're married so you don't understand!  My response:  Do you want some cheese with that whine?  I was once a single lady, and regardless I am still a woman.  As a woman I want to remind all of the other women out there that sometimes other women, even women you do not know, understand you better than any man (no matter how well meaning the man) ever will.

You think you need a man to share your life with, to hold you when the world crumbles, to protect you from your enemies.  You think you need a man to take care of you when you are sick, to share your joys, to laugh with you. You think you need a man to listen to you bitch, to eat dinner with, to travel with you.  You don't.

These are my best friends:

I believe we were all 18 years old in this picture.  We're all 26 now.  That picture was taken 8 years ago.  These girls were my best friends when I was 12 years old and they'll be my best friends when I'm 80. 

We have been sharing our lives with each other for more than a decade.  These ladies were there long before my husband ever came into the picture, and God forbid--if there is ever a time when my husband is no longer in the picture, I know these ladies will still be there.

When a boy broke my heart into a million little pieces, these ladies were there picking up the pieces and gluing me back together.  When my father died they listened to me cry and held my hand.  Laura showed up at his visitation with a card and a hug.  She didn't bother talking because she knew me well enough to know that I didn't need her words, just her presence.  They were the first people I told when I got engaged. Emily officiated over my wedding. 

When I found out I couldn't have children they came bearing wine and chocolate.  They still listen to me cry over this great loss--my womb will not be home to my child.  They are women.  They have wombs.  They understand this pain in a way that my husband will never be able to. 

When Laura gave birth to Patrick her soon-to-be husband despised us all. We came anyway.  He's gone now.  We're still here.  When Amy labored for 20+ hours and had to have a C-section to bring beautiful little Stevie into the world, we were there.  We never left.  We stayed all night.  When Emily decided to move far away to take a job she loves, we were there.  We threw her a big party and the miles aren't enough to keep her from being our best friend. 

When my heart stopped beating and I almost died--they were there.  When I had my first major surgery Amy and Johanna came and stayed the night.  In fact, their faces were the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. They took turns helping me get up to pee. One or all of them has been there for every subsequent surgery.  They care for me when I am sick.  I care for them when they are sick.  My husband is here, but I know if he wasn't they would be because his presence doesn't deter their presence. 

We spend holidays together.  We have traditions.  Amy and Laura have kids now. We're teaching those kids our traditions.  Their children call me "Aunt Jenn" and when I have children my children will call them "Aunt" too. We share our lives.  We know each other's joys and sorrows, tears and laughter.  We are a circle of women, strong women.  We love each other.  We fight for each other.  Sometimes we fight with each other.  But we are always, always there for each other. 

If you have a circle of women, you will never be alone.  If you have a circle of women, you will always have love.  If you have a circle of women, you will always have family.  If you don't have a man--you don't need one. What you need is a circle, a circle of women.

*This is a cross-post.  It is also on my personal blog.