Uncertainty

"I believe that uncertainty is really my spirit's way of whispering, "I'm in flux. I can't decide for you. Something is off-balance here."

--Oprah Winfrey

"Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd."

--Voltaire

Today I find myself  immersed in doubt, swimming in a sea of uncertainty.  I know nothing in life is really ever certain, but I like to fool myself into believing otherwise.  I create routines and habits, organizing my life and my world in an orderly fashion that allows me to trick myself into believing that something in life is actually certain and dependable.

Then life happens, and suddenly everything crashes to the ground and you are forced to admit that even the most certain aspects of your existence are actually uncertain.  

It isn't fun.

So you second guess yourself.  You wonder if you've lost your mind.  You wonder if happiness is something that exists outside of the pages of books and the scenes in movies.  You wonder if comfort is the same thing as happiness....or is there something more?  And if there is something more then do you even deserve it?  Are you greedy for wanting it?  

Perhaps I'm just morose today.  I'm feeling dark and twisty (you like that "Grey's Anatomy" reference don't you?), and since I've never been a rainbow and butterflies type of girl I guess I'll stay in my shadows today.  I'm comfortable with my darkness.  

I know I can be self-destructive and pessimistic and realistic and overly-logical and hard to live with and snarky and sarcastic and sardonic.....

I know I live in a world that is shades of gray and oft times devoid of color (and trust and patience and elation). 

Perhaps one day someone will learn to love my shades of gray or at the very least to understand it.