Not A Baby Mama

A lot of people are landing on this page by searching "I'm a mother not a baby mama." You aren't going to like my view.  No one is saying you're not a mother, but if you chose to have a baby with a man you are not married to and he never married you and now you're not with him anymore--well, that's the definition of a baby mama.  Embrace it.  The only people who are going to understand your offense or agree that you aren't a baby mama are other baby mamas.....and as the title of this post says, I am not a baby mama. Sorry to disappoint you, and I wish you well. Single parenting sucks. But if it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck then it's a duck :)

This is me, or at least a somewhat newish picture of me.  I'm 28. I'm a woman. I'm a college graduate. I'm a grad student. I'm a (soon-to-be) divorcee. I'm  a best friend. I'm a sister. I'm a writer. I'm a dreamer. I'm a realist.  I'm a step parent.  One thing I am not is a baby mama.

I have made plenty of mistakes. I am not perfect.  I don't claim to be better than anyone else.  But the truth is pretty simple:  I'm not a baby mama.

My boyfriend has two baby mamas, neither of whom he was married to, and neither of whom he had relationships with that lasted long after the baby was born.  He is not the sole reason those relationships ended, though society certainly likes to paint that picture.  A man with a baby mama is obviously a not so nice man who disregards female feelings and shirks his fatherly duties....or so our culture tends to tell us.  But I'm here to tell you that just isn't the case.

Relationships aren't made or broken by one person.  Relationships are made and broken by two people--two people who aren't right together.  No one is perfect.  Sometimes not so perfect people err.

Society certainly seems to dictate that I am erring by being with a man who has two baby mamas.  In fact, the baby mamas tend to get all the sympathy and in general "step moms" and women like me are painted as wicked, evil, horrible women who have no compassion for the children we care for and no understanding of the baby mamas we "replaced."

Well let me tell you I am not some evil witch undeserving of understanding or sympathy. I absolutely love the children my man had with other women.  Why wouldn't I?  They didn't ask to born and they didn't share in whatever mistakes either of their parents made.  What kind of person would I be to hold their DNA against them?  That's absurd. I am filled with compassion for these children.  I didn't replace anybody.  I'm different than both of the mothers of my boyfriend's children, and my relationship with him is very different than his relationship with either of them was.

And believe me when I tell you being "the girlfriend" who has to figure out how to weave her way through the communication maze of parenting another woman's children and doing so in a way that is both fair to the other woman and thoughtful/loving towards the child is no walk in the park.  It is no easier to be the biologically childless (step) "mother"  than it is to be the baby mama.  I swear it's not.

Like any mother I have to weigh every single action I take against how that action will affect my (step) children.  I put them first, before myself, even though by most standards these children aren't "mine."  But they are mine.  They became mine when I decided to become seriously involved with their father.  They became partially my responsibility and my actions will have consequences for them, so regardless of whether or not I am the woman who bore them, I have to take these beautiful little girls into consideration no matter what I do.  That saying--the one that goes something like 'every mother has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child'--it's true, even for us step moms.  Except we have to think four times, not two.  Once for the children, once for their mothers (will xyz interfere with their parenting style or their relationship with their child or their child's understanding of this parent), once for our men (how is he going to react to xyz, how will this affect his relationship with his child, how will this affect our working relationship with the other parent), and finally after all of that we get to think for ourselves.

Do you have any idea how hard that is?  Do you have any idea how difficult it is to go from being single and only having to think about yourself to suddenly having to think for all of these extra people, and to try to do so in a constantly conscientious way? Do you have any idea how hard any of that is if the other women, the baby mamas, decide to dislike you on sight or tell their children they don't have to listen to you?  Do you know how hard it is to be graceful and dignified and intelligent in some of these situations?

Do you have any idea the questions that run through my head?  What if we have kids?  How can I help his other kids not be jealous of my kids, or help my kids not be jealous of his other kids?  How can I make sure my kids have everything they need when half of all his income is sucked into child support that he has to be and absolutely should be paying?  How can I make sure the children that are not biologically mine feel loved and respected and cared for by me and my entire family?  How can I make sure my step children never feel "other" or left out?  How can I make sure these beautiful little girls are never lost in the shuffle of whatever family we create together?  How can I make sure these little girls know I love them?  How I can make sure these little girls will respect me and value me and any siblings I may give them?  How can I make sure all of our children (biological, step, or otherwise) have every single thing they need and some of what they want?  How can I have a relationship with these children and still foster a loving, healthy relationship with both of their biological parents?  How do I discipline them?  They shouldn't really be disciplined differently than any children I actually do have, right?  How can I help them overcome sibling rivalry and any confusion they might have towards their mixed family?  Will these other women taken any children I have into account when they make choices for their children that could affect my children? And a million others.....

Some of you might think some of that isn't my responsibility.  I think it is.  I'm in their lives.  I'll be a big influence on these children, like it or not.  So I have to consider all of those things all the time.  So what? You say.  You chose this.

Yes, I chose this.  I chose to date a man with children.  I fell in love with a man with a storied past.  I knew his past before we got involved.  I chose it.  But that does not make it any easier.   That does not make me evil or wicked or deserving of scorn or derision.  I'm not a baby mama, but I am a mama.  I do a lot.  I do a lot more than a lot of women in my situation would do.  Doesn't that deserve even a tiny bit of respect? I think it does.