Parenting any child is a difficult, often thankless job. At times parenting is also bound to be complicated and any myriad of issues could pop up. But step parenting is even more complicated, and it has its own set of very unique problems. Sometimes step parenting really sucks.
My boyfriend has two children with two different women. The eldest girl will never see me as a parental figure. I'm just her daddy's girlfriend. That's fine. I can suck that up. I can love this beautiful child anyway. I can love her and provide for her and (for now, at least) I can do these things from afar. It's not about me. We don't get to see her as often as we'd like because she lives kind of far away and visitation can be very difficult, and as there is no custody agreement there just isn't much to be done about that. I'm not as connected to A. I don't have a real relationship with her because I haven't really even been "allowed" to meet her. Her mother doesn't think we should meet yet, and unless/until Kenneth and I get married, a big part of me can understand that. A needs to really know her father before she can/should know me. I get that.
Right now I do the best I can from the position I am in. I advocate for her. I push Kenneth to do what is best for A, even when what is best for A isn't what is best for either of us or what is easy for Kenneth. I buy her school supplies and school clothes. I make sure Kenneth talks to her on the phone and sometimes I help him figure out how to respond to some of A's really tough questions. I do these things because the truth is even if I don't "know" A, I know how she feels. I had a dad that wasn't there much and who happened to be there for my step mom's kids in a way he wasn't there for me. It was my dad's choice and it's not really Kenny's choice, but I imagine the feelings are the same regardless. So I am really connected to A in this one really important way and because of that I am able to empathize with her and fight for her....even if it is from afar.
Kenneth's youngest daughter is a different story entirely. She wasn't even three when I started dating her Daddy. She's three now. She is with us half the week just about every week. I parent her all the time. She is mine in a way her sister will never be mine. That sounds harsher than it is--I love both of them, but I am closer to I because I see I all the time. I does see me as a mommy figure. She can't really remember a time when I wasn't there. But that confuses her because her mommy does not like that she sees me as a mother figure and she does what she can to make sure I feels guilty about her relationship with me. I's mother is not an easy person to deal with. She demands a lot (most of it ridiculous) and is never willing to give anything in return.
I signed I up for dance classes because she wants them. I paid for EVERYTHING myself. I pay for lessons. I pay for all of the leotards and tights and dance shoes and various other necessities. I signed her up for a day we have her. Then I did the polite, adult thing and told her mother. Who now demands to take I to dance every other week and insisted on being at her first dance class even though SHE DIDN'T PAY FOR ANY OF IT. Not only was she there, she completely monopolized I as soon as the class was over. Granted, I went home with me, but I really felt like this special thing that I had arranged as a way for I AND ME to spend time together and be closer had been taken away from me. I was pushed into the wings and I had to wait my turn, and frankly I felt like in this instance I shouldn't have to wait my turn. I shouldn't have to be the one who stepped back. Her mother should have stepped back because she isn't paying for any of this and she isn't going to either. Her mother got involved because she does not want me to have a good relationship with her daughter, who, like it or not, is now also my daughter.
But I have to suck it up. I do more for this little girl than her bio mom ever will. Anyone will tell you that. I spend a lot of time doing things for and with I. Her bio mom does not. Her bio mom sticks her in front of a television. Her bio mom does not try. I sit down with I and help her learn how to write her letters. I sent worksheets for her to trace her abc's to her bio mom's house, and I's mom threw them away and then did not sit down on her own to help I practice writing. In fact, she wouldn't even give I paper so I could try by herself. That's the kind of person she is. I'm the one who takes I to the doctor. I'm the one who pays for all of her doctor's visits and her medication (her Dad helps with that too, but her bio mom does not). I'm the one who sits up with I if she's sick. I'm the one who teaches her. I'm the one who does what's best for her. I'm the one she comes to with her hard questions and her hopes and fears. I'm the one she confides in.
But none of that matters....does it? Because I'm not I's bio mom so that means I'll always have to wait in the wings...doesn't it? That means, even on those rare occasions when it should be my turn, I don't get a turn and I have to step back again. It also means that even if that hurts, and it does, I have to suck it up. I have to suck it up, even when sucking it up sucks.
I'm really excited for the day when I can even be *that* involved in my quasi step kid's life. My boyfriend only gets his son about once a month, and then it's just a weekend, usually. His son just started pre-K, so I'm very excited to be able to help him with his homework and learn math and read a book together... but I don't think any of that will ever happen. So, all I can really do is love the kid when we have him and encourage the boyfriend to be more involved. It's frustrating because our situation is a lot more financially stable and an all out safer environment for the child than his mother's. Not only am I worried about the child's safety, I can't do anything to make the situation better for him.
ReplyDeleteI REALLY understand that! We're in the same boat with I. Our home is safer, more financially stable, and better for I all around. But right now we can't do anything about it. We worry about her safety too, but we're in between a rock and a hard place. Here's to hoping all of us (you and your bf too) can find a way to keep our kids safer and get them in better situations soon.
ReplyDeleteI have to say- I can see your side on this totally, but at the same time, I can tip-toe and see a bit of the other side as well. You sound like a wonderful female influence for these children- and not all biological parents are up to par. I am a single mom of three kids in a beautiful relationship with a man across the country. I get to hear all of the moments of their life. I get to wonder how their first day of school is going. I get to spend my days thinking of them when they are sick but I can almost promise you, I will be kept at arms length from bonding with them by the bio mom as well, for as long as she can dominate that path. It doesn't change the attachment and desire to love them. So, I can see your point, truly. But at the same time, as a mother of three kids.... I remember my daughter going to her first dance class. My other daughter, her first violin practice. As a mom, I really wouldn't stand for not being a part of these things. They are memories, and firsts, and should not belong to any one person. I do agree with special bonding time with her, but as a woman that can wear and walk in both sets of shoes, I would suggest a bonding activity that wouldn't fall under that spectrum of "firsts"- I mean, for all we know, that little girl may grow up to be a dancer, or go to college on a dance scholarship. That is not the kind of activity you would ever want to exclude a bio mom from at all. And if you want to bond with her, find something that does not take away focus from your time with her like dance will. Make a weekly/monthly date for dinner and a movie. As she grows, movies will get more mature and so will her need for you and your time. Find that perfect mesh between Barbara Jean on the tv show REBA and Julia Roberts in the movie Stepmom. LOL.
ReplyDeleteMy problem was NOT that I's mom was a part of the first dance class, or even that she is going to be a part of all of I's dance related activities. My problem was she monopolized the whole thing and frankly as she is not contributing to it at all, this was an instance where she should have stepped back to allow me to have some time too. She wouldn't even take a photo of I and I together, even after I took one of the two of them together. That's just unacceptable. She has not ONCE uttered a thank you to me for any of this and she acts like she is entitled to my assistance. She isn't. I don't HAVE to do any of the things I'm doing, and a little appreciation on her side would go a long way to make me less bitter about her involvement. Instead of asking she demands and some of her demands are ridiculous and she does not once say "thanks" or realize that I could have a much worse individual as her step mom. That's the problem.
Delete