Feeling Frazzled

I'm feeling really frazzled lately, and while I have tons of reasons to feel that way I can't quite pinpoint which reason is the most pressing or why exactly I'm feeling frazzled.  I'm also having trouble navigating how it's possible for me to feel so happy and so disconcerted simultaneously. 

I had a contract position at a law firm and for various reasons the position was just not a great fit for my needs, and while I am glad the contract is up I am not happy to yet again be in the 'searching for a job' boat.  I am fortunate enough to be in a position where my financial needs are met regardless of the fact that I don't have a job, but I am not one of those women who is content to be jobless.  I like to work. I like to contribute financially to my household. I like to have something to do, and while caring for a three year old is certainly something to do and grad school absolutely keeps me on my toes, I'd really like to have at least a part time job.

I'm taking two graduate courses this semester, and both have an abnormal amount of work due throughout the semester.  By the end of this week I will actually be slightly ahead in both courses, but for some reason I still feel behind or like I'm going to fall behind.  I'm also losing some of my momentum, my motivation to wrap it up.  There are much more important things in my life.  Grad school is still a priority, but it is no longer my top priority.  I have a three year old and an amazing man and a seven year old I haven't even met yet that all have to come first, and I'm okay with that.  I really am, but sometimes all of that overwhelms my graduate education.  I guess it's a good thing I'm so close to the finish line now. 

I'm also edging closer to the point where my ex can no longer contest the divorce.  It will be over soon.  I'll be divorced soon. That makes me antsy.  It isn't that I don't want to be divorced.  I do.  A divorce is absolutely, without doubt the right thing for both of us.  We need to be divorced.  All of those ties need to be cut.  But it will be weird, you know?  We've both moved forward at this point, but actually being divorced will be really weird.  A divorce isn't supposed to be easy, and it isn't.  And the closer I get to that final step the more anxious I get, and oddly the more relieved I feel and the more relieved I feel the more guilty I feel.

Then there's the dance class I signed the tot up for because it's something that will be really good for her.  There are the inevitable scheduling conflicts and communication issues with her other mother and things like painting the house that I can't figure out how to find time for.  I feel like I'm doing this insane balancing act that requires me to hop on one foot with a stack of priceless antique china plates on my head while dribbling a basketball with one hand and juggling golf balls with the other and trying in vain not to drop any plates.

And somehow no matter how frazzled I feel or how out of control my schedule has somehow gotten, at the end of the day there is still this peaceful bliss to be found and I guess that's my greatest blessing.