Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself."

--Suzanne Somers

"One forgives to the degree that one loves."

--Francis de La Rochefoucauld

Children change everything.  These tiny, defenseless, loving little humans somehow open adult eyes and minds and hearts to new discoveries, or perhaps to old discoveries that were long ago forgotten and discarded. I vaguely remember reading a quote somewhere when I was in college that said something like "A mother's love is endless and her heart always has room for forgiveness."  I tried to find that quote and who wrote it, but I couldn't so maybe I dreamt it up myself.  Regardless, I think it's true.  Motherhood makes you see things differently.  It changes how you view the world and how you interpret events.  So does real romantic love--that deep, endearing kind of love you can find with a person that makes everything else pale in comparison.  It changes you.  It makes you better.  

I didn't have a very easy childhood and my teen years and early 20s were no walk in the park either.  I did not love easily or fully.  I think perhaps it was a self defense mechanism and I thought it would keep me from feeling more pain.  If you did something wrong, if you treated me badly just once, then I would throw you away.  I would throw you away and never forgive you.  I said I forgave but never forgot.  Now I know that's just not true.  There can be no true forgiveness if all you see when you look at a person is their mistakes.  You can't ever repair the trust that is so essential to human relationships if you cling to a bad memory like that.  If you've had a long run and a good relationship with a person then sometimes you just have to chalk a broken confidence and hurt feelings up to human nature and move on.

You see, forgiveness really is, as Suzanne Somers said, a gift you give yourself.  It isn't for the other person.  It is for you. Forgiveness sets you free and it melts away all the hurt.  I know that sounds like hogwash to some of you, but it isn't.  This is a lesson that was a long time coming to this grudge holding, word wielding chick.  Forgiveness really will make you feel better.  

I also think Francis de la Rochefoucauld must have been a genius.  One really does forgive to the degree that one loves.  If you can't forgive fully enough to let go of hurt and maybe even attempt to repair broken friendships, then you aren't in a place where you are loving fully.  I am loving fully now.  My heart is so filled with love for my tiny little family that there just isn't room in it for grudges and ill will.  That may sound cliche and like a big load of crap, but it isn't.  I don't have space for old wounds anymore because I am far to busy making space for good memories.   

It really is amazing what love can do.  Real love really is limitless.  So today I am letting go of old wounds and hurt feelings and offering forgiveness to anyone who has hurt me.  So today I am letting go of two events, and the people reading this will know who they are.  As I write this, I realize I've already let go.  I am not sure either of them has, but perhaps this will allow them to do so as well.

1) You said something ugly about the man who is now my husband and spouted off opinions about legal and financial issues you didn't actually have all the information for.  I said, "Fuck you," in response. When you love someone as much as I love my husband then that love does not leave room for any person to say anything ugly about that person you've given your heart to.  I can't be sorry for defending him, and if you ever got to know him then you'd understand why I love him so much and why I jumped to his defense.  When you find your "one," and you will, then this will all make more sense to you. One day you will understand. 

I wrote some not so nice things publicly and tweeted them too. So did you.  Someone else was stirring the pot and I fully believed a number of rumors that I am not sure were ever true now. I apologize for my part in that. These not so nice things have long since been removed, at least on my end, for whatever that is worth. 

Then you got your friend to call my phone from her business line to try to ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me.  Fortunately, I didn't for one second believe any of the nonsense she was spouting and I recognized her voice, and was able to trace her number.  It didn't do you any good and I'm still not sure why you would act that way.  All that phone call did was reinforce what I already knew:  I love and trust this man with my whole heart.  That's an amazing thing.  I can only assume that for whatever reason at the time of this phone call you had yet to realize what I already knew:  this is the real deal and there are no doubts about it. This kind of love is an amazing thing.  I hope you find it for yourself.

2) I got married before you.  I had medical reasons I was not ready, willing, or able to discuss just yet and my wedding needed to be moved up in order to protect my unborn child.  My body could not handle the June wedding we had planned and I saw no reason to delay exchanging our vows until after the baby was born.  Neither did my husband.  Our reasons for moving our date were financial, practical, emotional, moral and completely justified. We moved our wedding forward and had a very small, intimate, and low-key ceremony in Charleston.  

But I think you were already upset before I had to move my date. My wedding, originally put on the back burner and planned for June, was moved up to about two weeks before your wedding. I had been helping you plan your wedding for over a year.  In fact, your wedding had been in the works for nearly 2 whole years, and for 2 years all your friends and family were happy and rejoicing for you--myself included. I created your wedding website for you. I found the hairstyle you used for your wedding day.  As your wedding date drew closer and there was nothing left to plan for you, I began planning my own wedding. I was happy and joyous and excited about getting married to the right person for the right reasons.  My heart was happy.  I can see now that you were never happy for me. You were angry that I dared find happiness and get engaged before you could walk down the aisle with the father of your child.  Then you were angry because I had to move my wedding date. When I asked you if you would be able to make the new date you flew off the handle and threw your healthy pregnancy, one which you'd gone to great lengths to hide and keep to yourself, in my face. That was ugly and uncalled for, and I think you know that. 

For some reason you felt my happiness and my small wedding ceremony took away from your big day.  I am sorry you felt that way.  I am not sorry for getting married on March 14th to the man of my dreams.  I am not sorry for being blessed with an unexpected medical miracle, no matter how fraught with complications this pregnancy has been.  I am not sorry for being happy for myself and rejoicing in this amazing love I found.  Love should be celebrated.  I can't be sorry for those things. 

I am sorry our children don't get to play together anymore because they were best friends. I am sorry that our mutual friends are in an uncomfortable position of being in the middle. I am sorry that my getting married, for whatever reason, made you feel bad.  My wedding didn't have anything to do with you, though, and neither does my marriage.  A marriage and a wedding are about the bride and groom, and doing what is best for themselves and their family.  It wasn't about you and it in no way reflected a lack of love, respect, or happiness from me to you.  I am sorry you felt it did.  I hope now that you've walked down the aisle yourself you can see that my wedding didn't take anything away from you and my happiness in no way has the power to diminish your own.  I wish you the best.

The two ladies addressed in this blog were very good friends to me once upon a time.  I was a good friend to them too, of that I have no doubt.  We are all guilty of allowing pride and pettiness to ruin good, strong friendships.  Friendships like that are hard to find.  Friends that truly understand you, who are more like family than anything else, friends like that are few and far between.  I was a friend like that to both of these ladies, and they were friends like that to me.  Our friendships were thrown away over silly, silly things.  For whatever it is worth I have forgiven both ladies fully, and I've forgiven myself for any part I played in the ultimate demise of these friendships.  I'm not the only one at fault, but I am woman enough to fess up to my part and apologize for it.  I extend warm wishes and friendship to both of you.  I am here if you need me, whenever that may be.  

For me, all is forgiven and forgotten.  Grudges and ill will only bring harm to the bearer.  I am a very blessed person, and I won't hold on to petty things anymore.  I have learned the true value of forgiveness.  I hope my readers will too.