I had a very traumatic birth experience. I was then readmitted to the hospital a few days after I was discharged and I had to spend a few more days there. Most of the time I don't want to talk about it. I nearly died. I guess technically I did die...and I don't want to talk about it.
Now that I am finally home I am very weak, in lots of pain, on tons of medication, and I can't be left alone to care for my own baby. My family and friends take turns sitting with me and Ninja Baby, and I struggle to accept the help I know I need gracefully.
I am fiercely independent and I loathe being this ill. I feel like a burden. I feel devastated beyond any devastation I've ever experienced over everything that surrounded the birth of our miracle baby. When I think about it I sob uncontrollably. I'm not ready to deal with it so I just do my best not to think about it.
I want to stay busy. Staying busy is difficult when you are ill and physically unable to get up and move around. If I weren't ill I'd run this off. Running helps me manage my emotions. But I can't run right now. I was gutted like a fish and I'm not healed yet. My heart isn't healed yet. I'll have to walk before I'll be able to run again.
My husband has been amazing. He slept in a chair next to my bed for days after our baby was born. He was encouraging and supportive the entire time I was in labor. He rubbed my back and wiped my face with a wet rag. He kissed me and told me he loved me. He let me know I could keep going when I felt like I couldn't. Then he went through his own private hell while sitting alone in a tiny room wondering if I was alive after being kicked out of my c-section because I had major complications. He had to hear every alarm that went off every time my heart coded for four hours straight following my c-section, and my heart coded every few minutes.
Then he took care of me and our baby through both hospital stays. He's held me when I cried. He's wiped my tears. He has not once made me feel like a burden. He tells me to sit, relax, heal. He has way too much on his plate right now and he shoulders it all with a smile because he loves us...he loves me and this baby we made together.
He knows what to say, and when he doesn't he just holds me and lends me his presence. That's what I need right now.
You see, no one else really knows what to say to me. No one knows how to react to this. I think it's all too ugly a reality to face. It's too dark. It isn't all sunshine and rainbows like the the birth of a new baby is supposed to be. So no one knows what to say to me or how to react or how to be near me. So most of my friends have stayed away, even some of my closest friends. Some of my family members have stayed away too.
No one wants to be confronted with my reality--with what happened to me or how I am dealing (or not dealing) with it. So they stay away. They don't call or text or come by the house. And the people who do are brave. I know that. They are brave and they care a lot, and I am grateful for that.
As for everyone else, I can tell you what I don't need. I don't need your pity or your avoidance. I don't need fake smiles or cliches. I do not need you to tell me my baby needs me or I'm stronger than this or you had a c-section when you didn't want one so you "get it." I know my baby needs me. You have no idea how guilty and inadequate I feel that I can't do everything for her myself. I don't need you rubbing that in. I don't need you to relate to me on this because the truth is you can't. You can't relate to me on this because your experience was "normal," and I do not expect you to relate to me on this. I don't expect you to have had a similar experience. I don't need you to pretend everything is fine and normal either because we both know it's not.
What I do need is an ear willing to listen when I feel like talking. You don't have to say anything back. You can just listen and say that you don't know what to say. What I do need is to know you care...even if you aren't sure how to show it or what to say. Most of all though I just need you to acknowledge that I have been through something and am continuing to go through something that is simply not okay.
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