This time last year I was preparing to go to a New Year's Eve party. I had no idea as I searched the
house for my Cranium board game (which I never did find) that I would conceive a baby that night--in the first hours of 2013 (TMI? Sorry!). As I kissed my then boyfriend at midnight, I had no idea that I was welcoming in the year that would prove the most transformative year of my life.  |
| New Year's Eve 2012 |
I had no idea that 2013 would be both the hardest and most beautiful year of my life to date. I had no idea that I would experience the entire range of human emotions in the most intense ways possible. I had no idea what true fear was, what true love was.....not until 2013.
December of 2012 really started the ball rolling. I had an ovarian cyst with torsion and I had to have surgery to remove the cyst and repair my twisted fallopian tube. My boyfriend and I had started discussing marriage, and though he hadn't formally proposed yet, we knew we would be getting married in 2013. He went with me to my OB appointment following my surgery, and we told the doctor that we wanted to have a baby. I have stage IV endometriosis and the OB informed us that it was very unlikely I would ever be able to have a baby. My uterus was "mush." He said he could refer us to a fertility specialist, but we wouldn't be able to get an appointment until July. He also said I should go off the pill to give my cycle a chance to resume on its own. So I went off the pill in mid-December and scheduled an appointment to learn about IVF for July.
January of 2013 was ordinary. I went to school. I went to work. I loved both. I played with Issa (our four year old). I threw Ava (our seven year old) a birthday party. I read. I cleaned the house. Towards the middle of January I had to go in for another OB followup and the doctor decided he wanted to schedule some tests for my February appointment. He told me to take a pregnancy test about a week before my appointment because in the unlikely event I became pregnant, the tests would have to wait. I went merrily about my business and decided to ignore the doctor's advice to get a pregnancy test. He'd seen the inside of my uterus. No way was I getting pregnant without help.
Then on January 31st the OB office called to remind me to take a pregnancy test and the nurse laughed with me on the phone about the absurdity of it, but I agreed to take the test. I went to the drug store and long story short, I peed on six pregnancy tests before I believed I was actually pregnant. I sat in the bathroom surrounded by positive pregnancy tests crying and thanking God for this miracle.
On February 2nd Kenneth and I went to Charleston and I told him I was pregnant.
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| Right after I told Kenny I was pregnant. |
Later that month we announced our miracle baby to my family. This was their reaction:
I was also placed on partial bed rest, and my OBGYN explained to me that this pregnancy was going to be a very difficult one.
In March I married the love of my life in an intimate ceremony in Charleston, just a few feet away from where I'd told him we were having a baby. I also went on full bed rest this month.
What followed was an emotional roller coaster the likes of which I will likely never experience again.
A medically necessary termination of pregnancy was recommended by every specialist I was seeing. It was very probable I would die during my pregnancy, labor, or delivery. I refused the termination. I was told I needed my heart medication to increase my chance of survival. The only medication that can treat my particular condition is dangerous to fetuses. I refused to take my medication.
My health deteriorated and I accepted the very real possibility that I would die. I wrote letters to my husband, my (step) daughters, my unborn baby to be read if I passed away giving birth. Our eldest girls were thrilled about "our" baby, and I was scared out of my mind I would not be able to watch any of them grow up.
My birth experience was horrendous. I nearly died. I spent a lot of time terrified and crying this year. But you know what? Every single time I lost hope, every single time I started to lose the strength to keep going--someone performed some unexpected random act of kindness for me.
People I hadn't spoken to in years sent me money and baby gifts. People came forward to give us car seats and play yards and clothes and things we could not afford because I had not been able to work in months. People sent me emails and commented on my Facebook statuses to tell me to hang in there and have faith. People prayed for me and our baby. People cared. Every single time I felt like I was alone (and in many ways I was alone in this--there are some things you simply have to experience on your own), someone came forward to remind me I wasn't completely alone. People lifted me up. People showed us love and kindness and compassion.
I was sick and people brought me dinner. I kept getting put back in the hospital, and all of you wonderful people just kept being positive and visiting me. Over and over and over again I was knocked down and sobbing, and over and over and over again people who did not even know how truly sad and scared I was found ways to wipe away tears they did not even know I was crying. That is love.
As I cup Freyja's tiny, perfect face with my hand and she turns her sleeping head into my palm, I know what true love is. This is the truest, deepest, most all consuming love there is. And she was worth it. She was worth all the terror, all the heartache, all the surgeries, all the scars, all the blood literally lost, every sacrifice made, every penny pinched, every doctor visit, and every tear cried. She was worth it because she is all the love all of you showed me all year long come to life.
And this year I was shown love. Over and over and over again I was shown love, a love like I have never known. I was graced with love. I was overwhelmed with love.
I will cling to these last moments of 2013. I will cling to them with all I have because this year was the most miraculous year of my entire life. I will cling to these last moments, and then I will let 2013 go. Happy 2014 to all of you, and please don't forget what this year taught me.
Life is terrible and fearsome and heartbreaking, and beautiful...life is oh so very beautiful.
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