My husband has not one but TWO baby mamas. Now some people might take offense at that term, but that's not how it is intended. Neither of them were ever married to my husband. Both were in long term relationships with him. Babies weren't planned or expected. What happened is what happened. It is what it is. They're not any less mothers for being baby mamas. It goes both ways. My husband is their baby daddy. He's not less of a father for being a baby daddy either. The world is blessed with two more beautiful, perfect children as a result, and I'm blessed too. I get to be their step mom. But being a step mom is a lot harder than people who've never had to do it think it is. So this is an open letter to all the biological moms out there, most especially my own children's mothers. I hope it addresses some of the most common misconceptions.
Dear Bio Mom,
Hi, it's me--the step mom. I know we got off to a rocky start. You resented my presence from the beginning. That's okay. I understand it. I was afraid your child would hate me. I was afraid I'd never get out of your shadow--at least with the kids.
My husband is kinder to me than he was to you. He's here for our child all the time because we all live together under the same roof. He's grown up a lot since you had him. I knew him then. I know how he's changed. I get the best version of him. That would piss me off. Someone else is getting the better version of my ex husband. It used to tick me off. Then one day I realized that she is so much better for him than I ever would have been, and he's so much better for her than he could have ever been for me. We didn't mesh. You and my husband--you didn't mesh either. But I do get it.
I get to mother your children in your absence. I am sure that would take some getting used to if I were in your shoes. Maybe you feel like I'm trying to replace you. That's not it, though. I have a step mom. I have a step dad too. My own parents split up when I was five years old. I know how this goes for kids. I know how your kid feels because once upon a time I was your kid. I know I can't replace you. I would never do that because I know it cannot be done. I would never do that because I want your child to be close to you and your family. I want your child to love you with her whole heart. I just think there's room in her big heart for me too.
I know I'm not her mom. I know it more than you could ever imagine. I don't need you to point it out. I don't need anyone to point it out. I'm sure the child we all share will point it out when she's a teenager and I make her mad. In fact, she points it out now. When we're out in public and someone mistakes me for her mom--I can't lie--it fills me with such joy that a stranger might see something of me in her because I love her so very much and she is so beautiful and perfect. Who wouldn't want that comparison? You aren't there so you don't hear her pipe up and say, "That's not my mom." You don't know that it cuts me to the bone because I do wish I was her mom the same way you are--even though I know I am not and I never will be, even though I truly don't want to replace you. It cuts me to the bone. I am insanely jealous that you get to be her mom. I am insanely jealous that you got to feel her little baby kicks inside your tummy. I am insanely jealous that you got to be there first. I'm human. I'm not perfect. I know I'm not her mom. I know it and she knows it. Trust me. I don't need you to point it out. I know who her mom is. I respect that bond. I just want to get to have a bond too.
I know you think I knew what I was getting into when I fell in love with a man who had two baby mamas. I know you think I knew what it would be like. But the one thing I wish you knew is that I did not know what it would be like. I had no idea how beautiful and heartbreaking and wonderful and damaging being a step parent would be. I had no idea what it would be like to love a child so much it hurt, so much that you'd do anything and everything for that child. I hadn't had children yet. I didn't know. I didn't know that parenting a child would fill you with such joy. I didn't know that loving a child could hurt too. I didn't know.
I didn't know that sharing holidays sucked so much as a parent. I didn't know that sharing a child with someone outside your marriage was so hard. I didn't know that co-parenting with someone who probably hates you would be so difficult or so painful.
I did not know that when I had my own child and she was old enough to speak she would cry for your child. I did not know your child's absence would hurt my child. I did not know that your child's absence would hurt me. I did not know the heartache of spending a holiday without your child. You don't know that heartache because we never press as hard as we could for Christmas. I did not know that my child would want to spend Easter and Christmas with her sissies. Maybe I should have known, but how could I? I'd never been here before.
I did not know that you would not care how I feel. Yes, I know you said you don't care how I feel. Maybe I should have expected that, but I didn't. It never occurred to me that you wouldn't care about my feelings because I have always cared about your feelings. Every time I do anything I ask myself how will our child feel about this and how will her mom feel. I try to respect boundaries. Maybe sometimes I overstep, but I wish you knew that when that happens it is an accident and it's an accident born out of love for your child.
I did not know one of you wouldn't care how your child's absence impacts my child. I didn't know I would have to watch my two year old run to her sisters' empty bedroom when she wakes up in the morning, yelling "Play with sissy!" when sissy wasn't there. I didn't know I would have to wipe her tears when she realized neither of them was in our house at that moment. I did not know I would cry too. I did not know how much that would hurt. I did not know she'd grab my hand and drag me to the door and say, "Go get sissy, mama! Want to see sissy!" I did not know I'd have to tell her it wasn't our day. I did not know how heartbroken she would be. Please tell me how you think I could have known that. Maybe my child's tears don't bother you. One of you has even said all that is my husband's fault and not yours, and you don't care--but you've got a part in my child's tears too. You've got a part in her sadness when you hoard all the holidays. Maybe you don't care about that, but I do. I'm not just your child's step mom, I'm my child's mom too. I care about her pain. I wish you did too. I wish you cared enough to let her have a holiday.
I didn't know that people would simultaneously expect me to love these beautiful girls as if I'd carried them in my womb and then tell me to butt out and not have an opinion about their upbringing and the kind of people they'll turn into. I did not know how impossible that would be....because I do love them like they're mine. How do you love a child as your own and then only have an opinion when another woman says you can? I don't know how to do that. If I did my life would be easier.
I am not perfect. I can't be whatever it is you want me to be. I can't promise you I won't piss you off. I can't promise you I won't ever overstep. Sometimes I have and it's bound to happen again. I can't promise you that you and I won't bump heads. I can't promise you we won't argue.
I can promise you that I try very hard every single day to be the kind of step mom I'd want my own biological child to have. I can promise you that I love your child like she's my own, and while that might offend you, I think it's better than not loving her enough. I can promise you that I do everything in my power to make sure she never, ever feels different. I can promise you that I do everything in my power to ensure she feels safe and loved and cared for here. I can promise you that I do everything I can to help her learn and grow. I can also promise you that my own family loves your child like she was mine. They call her granddaughter and niece and cousin, and they celebrate her wins and grieve her losses. They love her with their whole hearts too. I can promise you that she is family here in ever sense of the word. I can promise you she is loved deeply.
I hope that is good enough. It's the best I've got.
Best,
Honest (Step)Mom
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