Depression and Mental Illness

People don't like to talk about mental illness.  In my experience, many people don't much like to hear about it either.  But we cannot remove the stigma surrounding mental illness if we never discuss it.  We cannot remove the stigma against treatment for mental illness if we do not discuss it either.

I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I have suffered multiple traumas.  I don't owe anyone my stories.  I won't share those here, but I will share that due to circumstances beyond my control I have had to have frequent contact with an abuser recently and this has sent me into a mental health spiral that is frightening and difficult to navigate.

I am also currently combating depression and anxiety.

I have medication prescribed by a mental health provider and I am treated by a therapist weekly.

Some days, however, none of that is enough.

Today is one of those days.

I am struggling with interpersonal relationships.  I feel like a relationship important to me is falling apart.  One of my children is spiraling, making questionable choices, and appears to hate me and everyone else after suffering their own rather significant trauma.  I can't seem to fix anything.

All of this is the perfect storm for my own mental health nightmare and I honestly don't know what is my fault, what isn't my fault, what emotions are valid and what emotions are the result of my brain lying to me.

I feel like a failure as a parent.  I feel like a failure as a person and an advocate and a partner.

I feel alone. I feel isolated. I feel unloved and despised.  And logically I know that's not true, but it feels true right now and that sucks.  And that is mental illness.