Should: v. must, ought (used to indicate duty, propriety, or expediency), from dictionary.com
Culture and society teach us that we 'should' meet certain expectations. These expectations vary by culture, but such suppositions are always present. I am an American, thus this post will address 'shoulds' that are culturally and societally specific to the United States (though I suspect many will be applicable to other cultures/societies). Inevitably, some of the 'shoulds' discussed will be author specific (and therefore possibly only applicable to myself).
Let me begin by defining what I mean by shoulds. Shoulds are expectations that when not met result in emotional turmoil or discontent. Shoulds are the material goods, life events, and ideals we believe we have a duty to possess or complete. We feel a need to live up to our shoulds.
My culture has a case of the shoulds. As Americans we believe there are certain ideas/images/things we are duty bound to have.
Some American Shoulds
- I should have the American Dream.
- I should own a house.
- I should have a car.
- I should be a model thin woman with a perfect body.
- I should be a muscular man with athletic prowess.
- I should be married.
- I should have 2.5 children.
- I should be sexually desirable and sexually active.
- I should watch the newest movies and listen to the most popular music.
- I should buy the latest gadgets, the best computer, and the biggest television I can find.
I think shoulds vary by education level. If you have a college degree your shoulds change (and you might even get a few new ones):
- I should have a career.
- I should have job stability.
- I should make a lot of money.
- I should be financially successful.
- I should buy a BIG house.
- I should buy a luxury car.
- I should own stocks.
- I should be respected professionally.
- I should work for a certain company or live in a certain neighborhood.
- I should know what I want to do with my life.
- I should have a career by now.
- I should travel a lot more than I do and have more stamps in my passport.
- I should have a baby soon.
- I should be happy and productive.
- I should be a success.
Are we really obligated to live up to all of these shoulds? Are we obligated to buy a house or get married or have a certain job? Obligated to whom? The mythical Joneses? Uncle Sam? Our unborn children? Ourselves? Who is going to kick the bucket if you don't follow these shoulds? Are you obligated to these shoulds? No. We are not obligated to anyone to do or have any of these shoulds.
Do we actually have a responsibility to meet these expectations? Do we have a responsibility to have a baby? For what? The continuation of society? Do we have a responsibility to be smoking hot and have lots of sex? That sounds pretty irresponsible to me. Do we have a responsibility to buy a fancy car or a giant tv? How are these things responsibilities? To be responsible means to be answerable or accountable. If we don't have a giant television or six pack abs who are we accountable to? Culture? The next door neighbor? Your boss? Does Joe Schmoe at the coffee house hold you accountable for what kind of car you drive?
Holding on to the shoulds is a burden and it is a lot of work. The shoulds generate stress. The shoulds are unrealistic. The shoulds are not a productive use of time. You don't owe anyone these shoulds. A should is something that makes you feel bad. A should is something that if you asked yourself 'Do I really want that?' the answer might be no. What we should do is identify the shoulds in our lives and let them go. We should focus on goals, not shoulds.
A goal is an attainable and productive achievement. A goal is worth striving for. A goal is something you really want, something you want for you not something you want just to impress Mrs. Jones across the street. A goal is something that will make you feel good. A goal will improve you in some way--internally, not just externally.
I'm letting go of my shoulds. I'm going to make goals instead.
Welcome to the shouldless world, it will not be an easy path. However, I have been giving my best shot an not thinking I should do (blank), It makes me feel better when I don't should myself. Often when I hear the word should, I think of the saying..."should have,could have, would have... but didn't." The reasons we didn't do the should is clearly because we didn't want to or feel the need to. And when someone comes at me with the Statements of "You should do or you should of done, this or that," I either tune them out or just stare blankly at them. Shoulds are judgements we or others place upon ourselves. Proud of you for letting them go. :D
ReplyDelete