Material Girls (and Boys)?

As a parent I frequently find myself concerned with things that I never would have bothered to even think about before children came into my life. I seriously consider ideologies and daily practices and their potential affect on my children.  How will this or that influence how my girls think?  How will this or that influence how my girls view their world?  How will this or that influence their personalities?  As a result of all this thinking (and to a certain extent, as a result of my graduate education and lengthy discussions with Sean McCloud, Joanne Robinson, and Ginger Stickney), I have developed certain parenting strategies that many of my friends and family members consider "weird."

I am, for instance, very concerned about materialism.  I am convinced that American culture breeds a "must have, need more, want, want, want!" attitude.  We live in a culture that allows companies to target young children with their advertising, and these companies take full advantage of that.  My three year old comes back from watching television at her biological mom's house or one of her grandparents' homes and announces she really wants a Lego Duplo, even though she can't explain to me what a Lego Duplo is or why she wants one.  This concerns me.  It's not just Lego Duplo either. It's Hello Kitty and Pillow Pets and this and that and virtually every toy on the planet. We'll walk down a toy aisle and she wants everything on that aisle, even when she doesn't know what it is.  Why does she want a toy when she isn't even 100% sure what it is? Why, because the commercials tell her she does and she is already, at three years of age, being indoctrinated with our culture's materialism and the desire to keep up with the Jones's (grammar incorrect intentionally--Jones-es LOL). 

I do not want my girls to get every little thing they want.  I don't want them to ask for something and always be handed what they want.  I think spoiled children become entitled adults who measure success in "stuff" and don't value those amazing moments that don't cost a thing as much as they ought to.  I want my girls to be caring, compassionate adults who KNOW that the value of life lies in day to day living and with the moments that make you laugh and smile, and not in "stuff." 

So my answer to this problem is to eliminate cable from my home.  They do not need to be exposed to commercials that are specifically designed to work on their young minds to make them think they actually need some object that won't even teach them anything.  We have Netflix and we watch commercial free family programming for no more than one hour a day.  One of my friends informed me that we need cable and we should get the girls a television for their bedroom.  My response to that was absolutely not.  My girls do not sit on their rear ends staring at a television screen like zombies. 

When they are here they engage their imaginations.  They put on tiaras and tutus and become princesses.  They create magnificent art for my refrigerator with their crayons and construction paper.  They sing the "Days of the Week" song with me to learn the order of the days of the week. They look outside at the weather and change the little velcro-backed description on their calendar.  They draw on the sidewalk with chalk and play hopscotch.  They go to the park and climb on the monkey bars.  We have dance parties in our living room. They help us cook in the kitchen.  We do art projects that create giant messes all over my floor.  They make cards and practice writing and do puzzles.  They never tell me they are bored.  They never run out of things to do, things to do that are far more interesting and educational than sitting in front of a tv.  My girls are not deprived because I limit their exposure to television.  My girls thrive here because I limit their exposure to television. 

Another answer to this materialism problem?  I don't give them everything they want. I say NO.  I explain to them that they do not really need this item or that thing.  I explain to them that there are other children who don't even have as much as they have.  And this year I'm going to take the girls to get an angel from the Angel Tree with me.  They are going to help me pick a child whose parents cannot afford Christmas, and they are going to help me shop for that child.  I want them to learn the joy of giving.  I want them to know there are people who have less, and I want them to care about those people.  I want them to become adults who know the difference between need and want, and I want them to become adults who maybe don't want everything they see. 

I can't do much about what happens when my girls are with their bio moms or their grandparents.  I'm just the step mom.  But I can do something about what happens when they're with me.  I can do everything in my power to make sure that my girls don't become "material girls."  I can do everything in my power to make sure they grow into women with depth instead of shallow, needy girls in grown bodies.  No, my girls won't be material girls.  Will your's?

The Shoulds...

Should: v. must, ought (used to indicate duty, propriety, or expediency), from dictionary.com

Culture and society teach us that we 'should' meet certain expectations.  These expectations vary by culture, but such suppositions are always present.  I am an American, thus this post will address 'shoulds' that are culturally and societally specific to the United States (though I suspect many will be applicable to other cultures/societies). Inevitably, some of the 'shoulds' discussed will be author specific (and therefore possibly only applicable to myself).

Let me begin by defining what I mean by shoulds.  Shoulds are expectations that when not met result in emotional turmoil or discontent.  Shoulds are the material goods, life events, and ideals we believe we have a duty to possess or complete. We feel a need to live up to our shoulds.

My culture has a case of the shoulds.  As Americans we believe there are certain ideas/images/things we are duty bound to have.  

Some American Shoulds

• I should have the American Dream.
• I should own a house.
• I should have a car.
• I should be a model thin woman with a perfect body.
• I should be a muscular man with athletic prowess.
• I should be married.
• I should have 2.5 children.
• I should be sexually desirable and sexually active.
• I should watch the newest movies and listen to the most popular music.
• I should buy the latest gadgets, the best computer, and the biggest television I can find.

I'm sure there are more, but the above listed shoulds seem to be the most prevalent.

I think shoulds vary by education level.  If you have a college degree your shoulds change (and you might even get a few new ones):

• I should have a career.
• I should have job stability.
• I should make a lot of money.
• I should be financially successful.
• I should buy a BIG house.
• I should buy a luxury car.
• I should own stocks.
• I should be respected professionally.
• I should work for a certain company or live in a certain neighborhood.

Then we have our personal shoulds.  Here are some of my shoulds:

• I should know what I want to do with my life.
• I should have a career by now.
• I should travel a lot more than I do and have more stamps in my passport.
• I should have a baby soon.
• I should be happy and productive.
• I should be a success.

The dictionary says a should is an expectation that indicates duty.  The thesaurus lists the following words as synonymous with duty: obligation, responsibility, burden, work.  Let's think about this for a minute.

Are we really obligated to live up to all of these shoulds?  Are we obligated to buy a house or get married or have a certain job?  Obligated to whom?  The mythical Joneses? Uncle Sam?  Our unborn children?  Ourselves? Who is going to kick the bucket if you don't follow these shoulds? Are you obligated to these shoulds?  No. We are not obligated to anyone to do or have any of these shoulds.

Do we actually have a responsibility to meet these expectations?  Do we have a responsibility to have a baby?  For what?  The continuation of society?  Do we have a responsibility to be smoking hot and have lots of sex?  That sounds pretty irresponsible to me.  Do we have a responsibility to buy a fancy car or a giant tv?  How are these things responsibilities?  To be responsible means to be answerable or accountable.  If we don't have a giant television or six pack abs who are we accountable to?  Culture?  The next door neighbor?  Your boss?  Does Joe Schmoe at the coffee house hold you accountable for what kind of car you drive?

Holding on to the shoulds is a burden and it is a lot of work.  The shoulds generate stress.  The shoulds are unrealistic.  The shoulds are not a productive use of time.  You don't owe anyone these shoulds.  A should is something that makes you feel bad.  A should is something that if you asked yourself 'Do I really want that?' the answer might be no.  What we should do is identify the shoulds in our lives and let them go. We should focus on goals, not shoulds.

A goal is an attainable and productive achievement.  A goal is worth striving for.  A goal is something you really want, something you want for you not something you want just to impress Mrs. Jones across the street.  A goal is something that will make you feel good.  A goal will improve you in some way--internally, not just externally.

I'm letting go of my shoulds.  I'm going to make goals instead.