Better Than A Pinata!

Last Saturday we celebrated Issa's fourth birthday.  We always have pinatas for our kids' birthday parties, but this year I wanted to do something different.  Pinatas are expensive.  You're blowing 14 to 20 bucks on something that is ultimately going to get destroyed.  You'll never be able to use it again.  Only one kid gets all the glory of being the one to bust the pinata.  Plus we always do pinatas.  So I wanted to do something different, and this is what I came up with.

CANDY BALLOON POP! We stuffed balloons with candy, blew up the balloons and then had the kids pop the balloons (with their butts) on our front porch.  I wasn't sure if my idea was going to be a hit or if it was going to flop.  IT WAS A HIT!

The kids were giggling the entire time!  So were the adults.  In fact, I think the grown ups enjoyed this immensely.  It was hilarious to watch these kids bouncing up and down on balloons trying to pop them to get candy out.

I actually think the kids liked the candy balloon pop better than a pinata.  It was easier for the younger kids, and they each got some candy after every attempt so there was some instant gratification there.

It did take longer to stuff the balloons and blow them up than it takes to stuff a pinata. But the kids loved it, and so did the adults.

The best part for us?  It was way cheaper than a pinata!  When we buy a pinata we usually spend at least $15 on the pinata, and then another $9 on enough candy to fill it.  That's a total of $24 before taxes.  The balloon pop was significantly cheaper. We spent $2 on balloons and $7 on candy for a total of $9. 

Love BIG

"Love is something eternal; the aspect

may change, but not the essence."

Vincent van Gogh

In case you didn't get the memo:  today is Valentine's Day.  I could regale you with tales of how this holiday came to exist, but I won't.  Instead I want to talk for just a moment about what Valentine's Day represents now. 

Judging from my facebook feed I suppose the overwhelming consensus is that Valentine's Day is all about romantic love.  My coupled-up friends are all wishing their significant others lovey dovey mushy days on their facebook status updates, and some of these updates are truly over-the-top gag worthy declarations of undying affection. Conversely, my single friends are all posting angry/bitter rants that are filled with enough ire to make me wonder if homocide rates increase on Valentine's Day.

I'm not sure I get it.  How does a Hallmark holiday have the ability to so overwhelmingly affect the emotions of so many people?  You're either experiencing some sort of elevated infatuation with your lovey-schnuggums or you're going through some kind of rage-filled single person love withdraw.  What for?  For a card and a box of chocolates?  I don't understand anymore.

I vaguely recall being in high school and getting all caught up in the hype of Valentine's Day.  I remember the joy I felt when Eric (my high school love) sent flowers to me at work.  I admit it did make me feel special to get flowers delivered right to my cash register.  I also remember a year without a Valentine.  I remember feeling a little bit left out because most of friends were coupled-up and going on dates, and I didn't have anyone to go on a date with.  That made me sort of sad.  I promptly decided that I did not need a significant other to go out and have fun. I had flowers delivered to myself and I went out to eat with another single gal (my best friend Emily) later that night.  My Valentine's Day wasn't ruined because I was single.  I still enjoyed my flowers (thought admittedly not quite as much as the flowers Eric sent me the next year) and my food, and it was really a pretty great day all around. 

But today my facebook feed is brimming with anger and bitterness and single people who think this holiday is just a day for all of us coupled-up folks to rub their noses in the fact that they're single.  There was a point in my life when I could understand that.  I don't understand it anymore.  Here's the thing--Valentine's Day is what you make of it.  Okay singles--don't get all pissy just yet, keep reading.

This past year (maybe two years) the universe has taught me more about unconditional love than anything else.  I've been walking a rocky path filled with trials, tribulations, and blessings--all of which served to show me that love is more important than anything else.  I have been blessed with two amazing, beautiful daughters and these two little girls have taught me more about love than any man or woman ever managed to teach me in the entirity of my life until them. 

Ava and Issa love the world.  They are enamored with the entire universe in a way that adults somehow forget to be.  They notice every petal on every flower.  They say, "Look how beautiful that is!"  They believe every single person they meet will be their friend.  My girls don't mind going between our house and their mom's house (my daughters are my daughters, but the rest of the world likes to use the word "step" to describe them).  They love all of their parents with complete abandon, and they don't mind sharing us....though I think sometimes all of the adults in their lives have a hard time sharing them (maybe we could all learn from our children on this one). 

My daughters have beautiful, untarnished souls.  They see beauty in everything and everyone.  Issa and Ava are not hesitant to show affection.  My refrigerator is covered in artwork and cards they've made Kenny and me.  They draw pictures of all of us together.  They like to point out we're a family and they're sisters to strangers in the check out line.  They bless us with hugs and kisses and random "I love yous" throughout the day. 

Issa and Ava are small, but they love BIG.  They love unconditionally.  They forgive easily.  So today I pray my girls will always love BIG, and I think maybe all of us should try to be like them and love BIG too.

Material Girls (and Boys)?

As a parent I frequently find myself concerned with things that I never would have bothered to even think about before children came into my life. I seriously consider ideologies and daily practices and their potential affect on my children.  How will this or that influence how my girls think?  How will this or that influence how my girls view their world?  How will this or that influence their personalities?  As a result of all this thinking (and to a certain extent, as a result of my graduate education and lengthy discussions with Sean McCloud, Joanne Robinson, and Ginger Stickney), I have developed certain parenting strategies that many of my friends and family members consider "weird."

I am, for instance, very concerned about materialism.  I am convinced that American culture breeds a "must have, need more, want, want, want!" attitude.  We live in a culture that allows companies to target young children with their advertising, and these companies take full advantage of that.  My three year old comes back from watching television at her biological mom's house or one of her grandparents' homes and announces she really wants a Lego Duplo, even though she can't explain to me what a Lego Duplo is or why she wants one.  This concerns me.  It's not just Lego Duplo either. It's Hello Kitty and Pillow Pets and this and that and virtually every toy on the planet. We'll walk down a toy aisle and she wants everything on that aisle, even when she doesn't know what it is.  Why does she want a toy when she isn't even 100% sure what it is? Why, because the commercials tell her she does and she is already, at three years of age, being indoctrinated with our culture's materialism and the desire to keep up with the Jones's (grammar incorrect intentionally--Jones-es LOL). 

I do not want my girls to get every little thing they want.  I don't want them to ask for something and always be handed what they want.  I think spoiled children become entitled adults who measure success in "stuff" and don't value those amazing moments that don't cost a thing as much as they ought to.  I want my girls to be caring, compassionate adults who KNOW that the value of life lies in day to day living and with the moments that make you laugh and smile, and not in "stuff." 

So my answer to this problem is to eliminate cable from my home.  They do not need to be exposed to commercials that are specifically designed to work on their young minds to make them think they actually need some object that won't even teach them anything.  We have Netflix and we watch commercial free family programming for no more than one hour a day.  One of my friends informed me that we need cable and we should get the girls a television for their bedroom.  My response to that was absolutely not.  My girls do not sit on their rear ends staring at a television screen like zombies. 

When they are here they engage their imaginations.  They put on tiaras and tutus and become princesses.  They create magnificent art for my refrigerator with their crayons and construction paper.  They sing the "Days of the Week" song with me to learn the order of the days of the week. They look outside at the weather and change the little velcro-backed description on their calendar.  They draw on the sidewalk with chalk and play hopscotch.  They go to the park and climb on the monkey bars.  We have dance parties in our living room. They help us cook in the kitchen.  We do art projects that create giant messes all over my floor.  They make cards and practice writing and do puzzles.  They never tell me they are bored.  They never run out of things to do, things to do that are far more interesting and educational than sitting in front of a tv.  My girls are not deprived because I limit their exposure to television.  My girls thrive here because I limit their exposure to television. 

Another answer to this materialism problem?  I don't give them everything they want. I say NO.  I explain to them that they do not really need this item or that thing.  I explain to them that there are other children who don't even have as much as they have.  And this year I'm going to take the girls to get an angel from the Angel Tree with me.  They are going to help me pick a child whose parents cannot afford Christmas, and they are going to help me shop for that child.  I want them to learn the joy of giving.  I want them to know there are people who have less, and I want them to care about those people.  I want them to become adults who know the difference between need and want, and I want them to become adults who maybe don't want everything they see. 

I can't do much about what happens when my girls are with their bio moms or their grandparents.  I'm just the step mom.  But I can do something about what happens when they're with me.  I can do everything in my power to make sure that my girls don't become "material girls."  I can do everything in my power to make sure they grow into women with depth instead of shallow, needy girls in grown bodies.  No, my girls won't be material girls.  Will your's?

Bullying

"I'd rather my kid be the bully than be bullied."

"If my kid pushed your kid then your kid probably had it coming."

"My child is not a bully. I don't care what that teacher says." 

photo courtesy of safenetwork.org

I don't know how many times I've heard parents I know and respect utter these phrases.  I think the first one, "I'd rather my kid be the bully than be bullied," shocks me most.  I understand that no one wants their child to be picked on.  I get that.  But do you really want your child to be the one picking on and hurting other children?  Do you really want your child to be responsible for damaging another child's self esteem?  Would you really rather your child scare other children than have another child scare them?  I wouldn't.  I do not want my child to be a bully.  

You see, the way I see it is if my beautiful, bright three year old turns into a bully then that can only mean one thing:  I've done something wrong.  Me. Not her.  I've failed her as a parent.  Children emulate the behavior they see around them, and if my Issa were a bully then that would mean I've somehow taught her that or reinforced that behavior.  That would mean I turned a blind eye to signs that she was being too aggressive with other kids.  That would mean I've turned my back on the other beautiful children being bullied.  I would like to think I would never, ever do that.  But people do do just that, because if they didn't there wouldn't be children killing themselves because they've been beaten down physically and emotionally most of their short lives by their peers.

You can judge what I am about to say all you want to, but I blame the bully's parents just as much as the bully him/herself.  I blame the parents because somewhere along the line another adult, be it a friend or a stranger or a teacher, told that parent "Your child is a bully" and that parent immediately defended their child's behavior without considering the possibility that their child might actually be a bully. That's not okay.

Let's face it.  Kids are mean.  Children are little ids walking around acting on every instinct that adults have been taught over time to suppress.  Sometimes we'd all like to whack someone else upside the head, but as grown ups we know we shouldn't do that and (most of us) are able to control that urge.  Children might know they shouldn't do it, but they can't always control that urge.  It's our jobs to make sure when our kids fail to control the urge to whack another kid upside the head we punish our children and do everything we can to teach them that physical violence is never the answer.  

It is also our job to teach our children that making another human being feel bad about themselves or the world around them is cruel and unacceptable.  It is our job to make sure our kids know that hurting someone else's feelings is not okay.  It is our job to reprimand our children when they say something mean to someone else.  It is our job to open our ears and listen to the teachers and babysitters and yes, even the strangers on the playground, who say our children may have acted in an improper way.  It is our job to make sure our kids know that their words and actions have a lasting impact on the world around them, on the people around them.  

So how do we do that?  I have a few ideas.  I'm going to create a numbered list here that makes it all seem easier than it actually is, but maybe you'll get some good ideas too and share them in the comments.

1. We have to be willing to openly communicate with each other (not just our friends and families, but the teachers, babysitters, other parents we don't know) about our children's behavior.  We have to be willing to accept that sometimes our little angels grow horns and act like little devils instead.  We have to be willing to actively listen to one another and in certain circumstances that means accepting the very real possibility that our own children did or said something mean and we need to (at the very least) have a conversation with our child about why that's not okay.  

2. We have to love our children enough to be the bad guy.  We have to love our children enough to reprimand them when they engage in behaviors that are not acceptable.  We have to start understanding that our children don't need us to be their friends, they need us to be their parents and sometimes being their parents sucks.  We have to do it anyway.  We can be their friends when we've turned them into responsible, compassionate adults.

3. We have to recognize, right this second, that bullying is everyone's problem. That's right. It's your problem too.  Your kid might not be a bully. Your kid might not be bullied.  But that does not mean that bullying is not your problem.  That does not mean you get a pass when you see a child who isn't your own being bullied by another child who also isn't your own.  You have to step in and tell their parent.  If their parent won't listen then that's on them.  That failure is on them.  But if you don't say something then that failure is also on you.

4. We have to consciously try to eliminate inappropriate words and actions from our own vocabulary and behavior.  Our kids emulate us.  We've all dropped the peanut butter smeared knife in the kitchen floor and muttered "Shit!" only to have our tot pick up the dirty word and start shouting it to the rooftops at anyone with ears.  They learn behavior, even bad behavior, from us.  So we have to be on our best behavior, even when its hard.

5. We have to ask for help when we need it.  The one thing I've learned this year is it really does take a village to raise a child well.  So build your village. Be a part of someone else's village.  Offer an ear and a hug and some compassion to a stranger because you know what?  We're all in this together.  None of us is perfect.  We all make mistakes.  There is no such thing as a super mom or a super dad.  We screw up.  That's okay.   

Lessons for my Daughter

Audrey Hepburn Breakfast at Tiffany's--image is not my own
*Holly Golightly is a silly socialite who learns
life lessons the hard way in Breakfast @ Tiffany's.

"You can be pleased with nothing when you are not pleased with yourself." 
--Lady Mary Wortley Montagu (1689-1762)


I was raised to be a lady.  Not the fru-fru, silly, brainless kind of lady, and not the look-down-your-nose-at-the-rest-of-the-world kind of lady. And certainly not some kind of materialistic female fop...but a lady, a real lady.

A real lady is a strong woman who possesses class, decorum, intelligence, and strength of character even in, perhaps especially in, the face of adversity.

I am not always that kind of lady, but that's the kind of female I strive to be.

In a world full of Paris Hilton's and Kardashians, full of media that tries to teach our girls that trashy is classy and beauty is before brains, I want to show my daughter Audrey Hepburn and Hermione Granger and Marie Curie.  I want to be the kind of woman that she can be proud of.  I want to be a lady that she can emulate.

I want to show her that you do not have to resort to immature, classless, base behavior even when those around you are engaging in such foolishness.  I want to show her you can stand out by not fitting in, and you can handle anger with class and decorum and maturity.  I want her to know that it is possible to handle negative situations without stooping to childish antics and misbehavior.

I want her to know that real ladies don't wear short skirts with no underwear and flash their hoo-has to the paparazzi for kicks.  I want her to know that real ladies don't get sloppy drunk and throw up in the bushes, and for the love of god real ladies treat their bodies like temples and if a man is to worship at your most private of altars then he needs to earn that privilege!  I want her to know that real ladies don't take the walk of shame, don't have to dress like harlots to get male attention, and would sometimes prefer to READ a book over watching a movie.

Most of all, though, I want to teach her to love herself because even though I love her more than the whole world that means nothing if she doesn't love herself.

These are the lessons I hope to teach my child in a world that is increasingly contentious and hateful because in this hateful world loving her makes me a better person.