"I'd rather my kid be the bully than be bullied."
"If my kid pushed your kid then your kid probably had it coming."
"My child is not a bully. I don't care what that teacher says."
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| photo courtesy of safenetwork.org |
I don't know how many times I've heard parents I know and respect utter these phrases. I think the first one, "I'd rather my kid be the bully than be bullied," shocks me most. I understand that no one wants their child to be picked on. I get that. But do you really want your child to be the one picking on and hurting other children? Do you really want your child to be responsible for damaging another child's self esteem? Would you really rather your child scare other children than have another child scare them? I wouldn't. I do not want my child to be a bully.
You see, the way I see it is if my beautiful, bright three year old turns into a bully then that can only mean one thing: I've done something wrong. Me. Not her. I've failed her as a parent. Children emulate the behavior they see around them, and if my Issa were a bully then that would mean I've somehow taught her that or reinforced that behavior. That would mean I turned a blind eye to signs that she was being too aggressive with other kids. That would mean I've turned my back on the other beautiful children being bullied. I would like to think I would never, ever do that. But people do do just that, because if they didn't there wouldn't be children killing themselves because they've been beaten down physically and emotionally most of their short lives by their peers.
You can judge what I am about to say all you want to, but I blame the bully's parents just as much as the bully him/herself. I blame the parents because somewhere along the line another adult, be it a friend or a stranger or a teacher, told that parent "Your child is a bully" and that parent immediately defended their child's behavior without considering the possibility that their child might actually be a bully. That's not okay.
Let's face it. Kids are mean. Children are little ids walking around acting on every instinct that adults have been taught over time to suppress. Sometimes we'd all like to whack someone else upside the head, but as grown ups we know we shouldn't do that and (most of us) are able to control that urge. Children might know they shouldn't do it, but they can't always control that urge. It's our jobs to make sure when our kids fail to control the urge to whack another kid upside the head we punish our children and do everything we can to teach them that physical violence is never the answer.
It is also our job to teach our children that making another human being feel bad about themselves or the world around them is cruel and unacceptable. It is our job to make sure our kids know that hurting someone else's feelings is not okay. It is our job to reprimand our children when they say something mean to someone else. It is our job to open our ears and listen to the teachers and babysitters and yes, even the strangers on the playground, who say our children may have acted in an improper way. It is our job to make sure our kids know that their words and actions have a lasting impact on the world around them, on the people around them.
So how do we do that? I have a few ideas. I'm going to create a numbered list here that makes it all seem easier than it actually is, but maybe you'll get some good ideas too and share them in the comments.
1. We have to be willing to openly communicate with each other (not just our friends and families, but the teachers, babysitters, other parents we don't know) about our children's behavior. We have to be willing to accept that sometimes our little angels grow horns and act like little devils instead. We have to be willing to actively listen to one another and in certain circumstances that means accepting the very real possibility that our own children did or said something mean and we need to (at the very least) have a conversation with our child about why that's not okay.
2. We have to love our children enough to be the bad guy. We have to love our children enough to reprimand them when they engage in behaviors that are not acceptable. We have to start understanding that our children don't need us to be their friends, they need us to be their parents and sometimes being their parents sucks. We have to do it anyway. We can be their friends when we've turned them into responsible, compassionate adults.
3. We have to recognize, right this second, that bullying is everyone's problem. That's right. It's your problem too. Your kid might not be a bully. Your kid might not be bullied. But that does not mean that bullying is not your problem. That does not mean you get a pass when you see a child who isn't your own being bullied by another child who also isn't your own. You have to step in and tell their parent. If their parent won't listen then that's on them. That failure is on them. But if you don't say something then that failure is also on you.
4. We have to consciously try to eliminate inappropriate words and actions from our own vocabulary and behavior. Our kids emulate us. We've all dropped the peanut butter smeared knife in the kitchen floor and muttered "Shit!" only to have our tot pick up the dirty word and start shouting it to the rooftops at anyone with ears. They learn behavior, even bad behavior, from us. So we have to be on our best behavior, even when its hard.
5. We have to ask for help when we need it. The one thing I've learned this year is it really does take a village to raise a child well. So build your village. Be a part of someone else's village. Offer an ear and a hug and some compassion to a stranger because you know what? We're all in this together. None of us is perfect. We all make mistakes. There is no such thing as a super mom or a super dad. We screw up. That's okay.
