Better Than A Pinata!

Last Saturday we celebrated Issa's fourth birthday.  We always have pinatas for our kids' birthday parties, but this year I wanted to do something different.  Pinatas are expensive.  You're blowing 14 to 20 bucks on something that is ultimately going to get destroyed.  You'll never be able to use it again.  Only one kid gets all the glory of being the one to bust the pinata.  Plus we always do pinatas.  So I wanted to do something different, and this is what I came up with.

CANDY BALLOON POP! We stuffed balloons with candy, blew up the balloons and then had the kids pop the balloons (with their butts) on our front porch.  I wasn't sure if my idea was going to be a hit or if it was going to flop.  IT WAS A HIT!

The kids were giggling the entire time!  So were the adults.  In fact, I think the grown ups enjoyed this immensely.  It was hilarious to watch these kids bouncing up and down on balloons trying to pop them to get candy out.

I actually think the kids liked the candy balloon pop better than a pinata.  It was easier for the younger kids, and they each got some candy after every attempt so there was some instant gratification there.

It did take longer to stuff the balloons and blow them up than it takes to stuff a pinata. But the kids loved it, and so did the adults.

The best part for us?  It was way cheaper than a pinata!  When we buy a pinata we usually spend at least $15 on the pinata, and then another $9 on enough candy to fill it.  That's a total of $24 before taxes.  The balloon pop was significantly cheaper. We spent $2 on balloons and $7 on candy for a total of $9. 

Love BIG

"Love is something eternal; the aspect

may change, but not the essence."

Vincent van Gogh

In case you didn't get the memo:  today is Valentine's Day.  I could regale you with tales of how this holiday came to exist, but I won't.  Instead I want to talk for just a moment about what Valentine's Day represents now. 

Judging from my facebook feed I suppose the overwhelming consensus is that Valentine's Day is all about romantic love.  My coupled-up friends are all wishing their significant others lovey dovey mushy days on their facebook status updates, and some of these updates are truly over-the-top gag worthy declarations of undying affection. Conversely, my single friends are all posting angry/bitter rants that are filled with enough ire to make me wonder if homocide rates increase on Valentine's Day.

I'm not sure I get it.  How does a Hallmark holiday have the ability to so overwhelmingly affect the emotions of so many people?  You're either experiencing some sort of elevated infatuation with your lovey-schnuggums or you're going through some kind of rage-filled single person love withdraw.  What for?  For a card and a box of chocolates?  I don't understand anymore.

I vaguely recall being in high school and getting all caught up in the hype of Valentine's Day.  I remember the joy I felt when Eric (my high school love) sent flowers to me at work.  I admit it did make me feel special to get flowers delivered right to my cash register.  I also remember a year without a Valentine.  I remember feeling a little bit left out because most of friends were coupled-up and going on dates, and I didn't have anyone to go on a date with.  That made me sort of sad.  I promptly decided that I did not need a significant other to go out and have fun. I had flowers delivered to myself and I went out to eat with another single gal (my best friend Emily) later that night.  My Valentine's Day wasn't ruined because I was single.  I still enjoyed my flowers (thought admittedly not quite as much as the flowers Eric sent me the next year) and my food, and it was really a pretty great day all around. 

But today my facebook feed is brimming with anger and bitterness and single people who think this holiday is just a day for all of us coupled-up folks to rub their noses in the fact that they're single.  There was a point in my life when I could understand that.  I don't understand it anymore.  Here's the thing--Valentine's Day is what you make of it.  Okay singles--don't get all pissy just yet, keep reading.

This past year (maybe two years) the universe has taught me more about unconditional love than anything else.  I've been walking a rocky path filled with trials, tribulations, and blessings--all of which served to show me that love is more important than anything else.  I have been blessed with two amazing, beautiful daughters and these two little girls have taught me more about love than any man or woman ever managed to teach me in the entirity of my life until them. 

Ava and Issa love the world.  They are enamored with the entire universe in a way that adults somehow forget to be.  They notice every petal on every flower.  They say, "Look how beautiful that is!"  They believe every single person they meet will be their friend.  My girls don't mind going between our house and their mom's house (my daughters are my daughters, but the rest of the world likes to use the word "step" to describe them).  They love all of their parents with complete abandon, and they don't mind sharing us....though I think sometimes all of the adults in their lives have a hard time sharing them (maybe we could all learn from our children on this one). 

My daughters have beautiful, untarnished souls.  They see beauty in everything and everyone.  Issa and Ava are not hesitant to show affection.  My refrigerator is covered in artwork and cards they've made Kenny and me.  They draw pictures of all of us together.  They like to point out we're a family and they're sisters to strangers in the check out line.  They bless us with hugs and kisses and random "I love yous" throughout the day. 

Issa and Ava are small, but they love BIG.  They love unconditionally.  They forgive easily.  So today I pray my girls will always love BIG, and I think maybe all of us should try to be like them and love BIG too.

Tying Shoes And Other Basic Skills

I work with children.  I am asked to tie shoes on a nearly daily basis by SEVEN AND EIGHT YEAR OLD children who truly don't know how to tie their own shoes. There is no excuse for this. There is a reason, however.  It's called BAD PARENTING.

Look to your right. This is a photo of my three year old tying her shoes for the first time.  It's not perfect. Her bows are messy and uneven.  They often come untied.  But she is THREE YEARS OLD and can tie her own shoes.

Issa is a very bright little girl, but tying shoes is a learned skill.  It is a basic skill children should be taught as soon as possible.  It is a skill THEIR PARENTS should teach them.

 If you are a single parent and you have your child most of the time, then that means it falls on you.  If you share joint custody or your child lives with both parents then it is the responsibility of both parents to teach shoe tying.  It is NOT their teacher's job to teach them to tie their shoes. It is YOUR JOB as their parent to TEACH THEM BASIC SKILLS LIKE SHOE TYING!

I am so annoyed that I even have to write this blog.  What in hell is wrong with some people?  I don't care if you're not supposed to judge other parents.  If you want to call yourself a parent then you should damn well teach your kid to tie their shoes!  It's YOUR JOB!    If you have a 7+ year old child walking around with no disabilities who is unable to tie their own shoes then you're guilty of lazy parenting.  You are guilty of failing your child in a pretty major way.  You are guilty of failing to teach your child a basic life skill, and I will judge you.  I will judge you harshly, and so will everyone else who finds out your kid can't tie their shoes.  The only difference is I will judge you to your face.  Other people will just whisper about you behind your back.

Oh he's only 7.  He'll learn to tie his shoes later!  WRONG!  If you don't teach him now then no one else is going to teach him and he will be mighty embarrassed at 17 to be walking around in shoes without laces because his lazy ass parent(s) failed to teach him to tie his shoes.

Shoe tying is not that hard to teach.  It just takes patience.  Let me tell you how I taught Issa to tie her shoes. Your very first step is buy your kid some shoes with laces and make them wear those shoes every single day.  Get rid of the lazy velcro and slip on shoes tthat are easier for you but don't teach your children anything!

First, I erased "I can't" from her vocabulary.  Any time Issa says "I can't!" or "I don't know how!" or anything even remotely similar to that I say the same thing, "You can.  You can do anything you put your mind to.  We don't say can't.  We don't say don't know.  We practice and we learn and we do because we can."  Do not let your child stop doing something because it's hard and they don't know how. If they tell you it's hard you tell them to practice until it's not hard anymore. Or, you know, you could just let them quit because it's hard and you don't want to listen to them whine. But what does that do? What does that teach them?  It teaches them to be lazy quitters!  And I don't know about you but I am certainly not in the business of raising a bunch of lazy quitters.

Second, I told her what I was doing every single time I tied her shoes. I bought her shoes with laces and every single time I tied them I said, "First you make an X.  Then you tuck it under the x and pull tight!  Make yourself a bunny ear but leave the bunny a long tail.  Run the other bunny around the tree (the bunny ear you just made) and the bunny hops into the hole, then you pull his bunny ear through the other side of the hole and pull tight! Now you've got two big bunny ears!"   No, this story does not make a lick of sense to our grown up brains.  It's silly and it's kind of lame.  But it makes sense to a child.  It gives them words to hear as you actually do the actions.  They see it and they hear it every time you tie their shoes.  You tell them to watch and listen.  You be patient.  That's your job.  That's what you do.

After you've done this several times start having your child tell you what to do and what comes next!! Help them memorize the story!

Third, let them tie the x.  You have to teach them the first step first (duh).  Let them tie the x and pull tight.  Let them do it over and over again.  Praise them when they get that part right.  Tell them what a good job it is.

Then let them try the bunny ears.  They will get it wrong, but they'll learn to make the first bunny ear (the loop they're going to run the other bunny around) and when they get that part right you tell them that's great.  Praise them again. Don't be negative! Don't do it for them. Don't just say, "Let me do it. You're too slow."  Just tell them how proud you are that they're trying. And do not forget to ALWAYS ask them what comes next so they will remember the steps of shoe tying!

Fourth,  let them try it on their own.  Get up a little early or get them ready to leave the house a little early, and let them sit in the floor and try over and over and over again until they either get it right or you have to help so you can leave.  But always let them do the parts they know themselves--let them tie the x and make the first bunny ear!

Lastly, be consistent.  Always make them do the part they know.  Then watch them while they try the other part and ask them "What comes next?"   Don't tell them what comes next. Don't tell them what they're doing wrong.  Always ask them first.  You do the x and then what?  You make the bunny ear and then what?  "I don't know!"  Your response should always be, "Yes you do."  Then if you ask three times and they still don't know that's when you say, "Okay so you do the x and then you make the bunny ear and then you run the bunny around the tree....and then what?"  And let them try some more. Let them try over and over and over again.  Let them try when you get home and they don't need to do anything else urgently.  Let them try until they don't want to try anymore, and then tell them to try one more time.  Then have them try at least two more times, and if they still don't get it right then let them stop for a while.

You do these steps over and over and over again until one day your child says, "I'm going to tie my shoes all by myself.  I can do it."  And you know what? 5 days after you started this process or 10 days or 80 days...it doesn't matter...some day your child will say they can do it alone and they will!  And you will be so proud, and your child will be so proud, and you should both celebrate on this day because it's a big deal and you both did it.

Don't be a lazy, impatient parent.  Your child deserves better.  Your child deserves a parent who cares enough to teach them to tie their shoes.  Do your job.  Teach your child to tie their shoes.  Teach your child their ABCs and 123s and how to write.  Teach them how to count. Teach them how to add.  Teach them not to quit.  

Smarty Pants (And Shoes)!

Warning:  This is a mushy mom post. Don't say I didn't warn you!

We've been working with Issa for the past several weeks to try to teach her to tie her shoes.  Every single time she puts her shoes on we go through all the steps of how to tie her shoes:  First you make an x, tuck it under, pull tight! Then you make a bunny ear then the other bunny runs all the way around the tree then he ducks in the hole--pull tight!  Kenneth and I always let her try it by herself before we do it for her, and when we're tying her shoes we do it slowly and make her walk us through the steps.  We say, "What next Issa?"  Then she tells us what to do.

Today she told me she wanted to put her shoes on all by herself.  This isn't anything unusual .  I said, "Okay, go ahead then."  So she sat quietly in the middle of the floor, her little chubby fingers clutching her shoe strings and whispering the steps we've worked so hard to teach her to herself.

I walked away and watched out of the corner of my eye, minding my own business and holding my breath nervously.  Is this it?  Will she get it today?  I had to bite my tongue to keep from reminding her how to do it.  I had to let her do it herself.  So I bit my tongue and held my breath and pretended not to watch her. 

"The bunny goes in the hole, and then you......pull tight," Issa whispered.  Then she yelled, "I did it! I did it!"  And she sure did too!  She did it.  My three year old tied her shoes all by herself.  Then she tied the other one.  It took her five whole minutes, but she did it.  My Issa tied her own shoes.  All by herself.  She's getting so big.  I am so proud of her.  I feel like I won the lottery.  Who knew shoe-tying could be so emotional?

Material Girls (and Boys)?

As a parent I frequently find myself concerned with things that I never would have bothered to even think about before children came into my life. I seriously consider ideologies and daily practices and their potential affect on my children.  How will this or that influence how my girls think?  How will this or that influence how my girls view their world?  How will this or that influence their personalities?  As a result of all this thinking (and to a certain extent, as a result of my graduate education and lengthy discussions with Sean McCloud, Joanne Robinson, and Ginger Stickney), I have developed certain parenting strategies that many of my friends and family members consider "weird."

I am, for instance, very concerned about materialism.  I am convinced that American culture breeds a "must have, need more, want, want, want!" attitude.  We live in a culture that allows companies to target young children with their advertising, and these companies take full advantage of that.  My three year old comes back from watching television at her biological mom's house or one of her grandparents' homes and announces she really wants a Lego Duplo, even though she can't explain to me what a Lego Duplo is or why she wants one.  This concerns me.  It's not just Lego Duplo either. It's Hello Kitty and Pillow Pets and this and that and virtually every toy on the planet. We'll walk down a toy aisle and she wants everything on that aisle, even when she doesn't know what it is.  Why does she want a toy when she isn't even 100% sure what it is? Why, because the commercials tell her she does and she is already, at three years of age, being indoctrinated with our culture's materialism and the desire to keep up with the Jones's (grammar incorrect intentionally--Jones-es LOL). 

I do not want my girls to get every little thing they want.  I don't want them to ask for something and always be handed what they want.  I think spoiled children become entitled adults who measure success in "stuff" and don't value those amazing moments that don't cost a thing as much as they ought to.  I want my girls to be caring, compassionate adults who KNOW that the value of life lies in day to day living and with the moments that make you laugh and smile, and not in "stuff." 

So my answer to this problem is to eliminate cable from my home.  They do not need to be exposed to commercials that are specifically designed to work on their young minds to make them think they actually need some object that won't even teach them anything.  We have Netflix and we watch commercial free family programming for no more than one hour a day.  One of my friends informed me that we need cable and we should get the girls a television for their bedroom.  My response to that was absolutely not.  My girls do not sit on their rear ends staring at a television screen like zombies. 

When they are here they engage their imaginations.  They put on tiaras and tutus and become princesses.  They create magnificent art for my refrigerator with their crayons and construction paper.  They sing the "Days of the Week" song with me to learn the order of the days of the week. They look outside at the weather and change the little velcro-backed description on their calendar.  They draw on the sidewalk with chalk and play hopscotch.  They go to the park and climb on the monkey bars.  We have dance parties in our living room. They help us cook in the kitchen.  We do art projects that create giant messes all over my floor.  They make cards and practice writing and do puzzles.  They never tell me they are bored.  They never run out of things to do, things to do that are far more interesting and educational than sitting in front of a tv.  My girls are not deprived because I limit their exposure to television.  My girls thrive here because I limit their exposure to television. 

Another answer to this materialism problem?  I don't give them everything they want. I say NO.  I explain to them that they do not really need this item or that thing.  I explain to them that there are other children who don't even have as much as they have.  And this year I'm going to take the girls to get an angel from the Angel Tree with me.  They are going to help me pick a child whose parents cannot afford Christmas, and they are going to help me shop for that child.  I want them to learn the joy of giving.  I want them to know there are people who have less, and I want them to care about those people.  I want them to become adults who know the difference between need and want, and I want them to become adults who maybe don't want everything they see. 

I can't do much about what happens when my girls are with their bio moms or their grandparents.  I'm just the step mom.  But I can do something about what happens when they're with me.  I can do everything in my power to make sure that my girls don't become "material girls."  I can do everything in my power to make sure they grow into women with depth instead of shallow, needy girls in grown bodies.  No, my girls won't be material girls.  Will your's?

Bullying

"I'd rather my kid be the bully than be bullied."

"If my kid pushed your kid then your kid probably had it coming."

"My child is not a bully. I don't care what that teacher says." 

photo courtesy of safenetwork.org

I don't know how many times I've heard parents I know and respect utter these phrases.  I think the first one, "I'd rather my kid be the bully than be bullied," shocks me most.  I understand that no one wants their child to be picked on.  I get that.  But do you really want your child to be the one picking on and hurting other children?  Do you really want your child to be responsible for damaging another child's self esteem?  Would you really rather your child scare other children than have another child scare them?  I wouldn't.  I do not want my child to be a bully.  

You see, the way I see it is if my beautiful, bright three year old turns into a bully then that can only mean one thing:  I've done something wrong.  Me. Not her.  I've failed her as a parent.  Children emulate the behavior they see around them, and if my Issa were a bully then that would mean I've somehow taught her that or reinforced that behavior.  That would mean I turned a blind eye to signs that she was being too aggressive with other kids.  That would mean I've turned my back on the other beautiful children being bullied.  I would like to think I would never, ever do that.  But people do do just that, because if they didn't there wouldn't be children killing themselves because they've been beaten down physically and emotionally most of their short lives by their peers.

You can judge what I am about to say all you want to, but I blame the bully's parents just as much as the bully him/herself.  I blame the parents because somewhere along the line another adult, be it a friend or a stranger or a teacher, told that parent "Your child is a bully" and that parent immediately defended their child's behavior without considering the possibility that their child might actually be a bully. That's not okay.

Let's face it.  Kids are mean.  Children are little ids walking around acting on every instinct that adults have been taught over time to suppress.  Sometimes we'd all like to whack someone else upside the head, but as grown ups we know we shouldn't do that and (most of us) are able to control that urge.  Children might know they shouldn't do it, but they can't always control that urge.  It's our jobs to make sure when our kids fail to control the urge to whack another kid upside the head we punish our children and do everything we can to teach them that physical violence is never the answer.  

It is also our job to teach our children that making another human being feel bad about themselves or the world around them is cruel and unacceptable.  It is our job to make sure our kids know that hurting someone else's feelings is not okay.  It is our job to reprimand our children when they say something mean to someone else.  It is our job to open our ears and listen to the teachers and babysitters and yes, even the strangers on the playground, who say our children may have acted in an improper way.  It is our job to make sure our kids know that their words and actions have a lasting impact on the world around them, on the people around them.  

So how do we do that?  I have a few ideas.  I'm going to create a numbered list here that makes it all seem easier than it actually is, but maybe you'll get some good ideas too and share them in the comments.

1. We have to be willing to openly communicate with each other (not just our friends and families, but the teachers, babysitters, other parents we don't know) about our children's behavior.  We have to be willing to accept that sometimes our little angels grow horns and act like little devils instead.  We have to be willing to actively listen to one another and in certain circumstances that means accepting the very real possibility that our own children did or said something mean and we need to (at the very least) have a conversation with our child about why that's not okay.  

2. We have to love our children enough to be the bad guy.  We have to love our children enough to reprimand them when they engage in behaviors that are not acceptable.  We have to start understanding that our children don't need us to be their friends, they need us to be their parents and sometimes being their parents sucks.  We have to do it anyway.  We can be their friends when we've turned them into responsible, compassionate adults.

3. We have to recognize, right this second, that bullying is everyone's problem. That's right. It's your problem too.  Your kid might not be a bully. Your kid might not be bullied.  But that does not mean that bullying is not your problem.  That does not mean you get a pass when you see a child who isn't your own being bullied by another child who also isn't your own.  You have to step in and tell their parent.  If their parent won't listen then that's on them.  That failure is on them.  But if you don't say something then that failure is also on you.

4. We have to consciously try to eliminate inappropriate words and actions from our own vocabulary and behavior.  Our kids emulate us.  We've all dropped the peanut butter smeared knife in the kitchen floor and muttered "Shit!" only to have our tot pick up the dirty word and start shouting it to the rooftops at anyone with ears.  They learn behavior, even bad behavior, from us.  So we have to be on our best behavior, even when its hard.

5. We have to ask for help when we need it.  The one thing I've learned this year is it really does take a village to raise a child well.  So build your village. Be a part of someone else's village.  Offer an ear and a hug and some compassion to a stranger because you know what?  We're all in this together.  None of us is perfect.  We all make mistakes.  There is no such thing as a super mom or a super dad.  We screw up.  That's okay.   

Picture Books, Parents and Literacy

This photo courtesy of Gardner Elementary School.

This NY Times article really got people in the publishing world talking. The article basically argues that the picture book is dead.  Well meaning parents are pushing "big kid books" on their children in favor of picture books.  I wanted to write a response immediately, but I also did not want this post to be overshadowed by my own ire in detriment to the major points I wish to make to well meaning parents.

Nearly every job I have ever had has been directly related to education and/or books in some way.  I have worked for two of the largest book store chains in the United States.  I worked at a library. I wrote ed programs for museums.  I also make it a point to volunteer for organizations whose work I feel is worthwhile, many of which happen to revolve around education. 

I have been an active part of local literacy councils since I was in high school.  I began free literacy training at the age of 14 and after six months of intensive after school literacy training I began teaching illiterate adults and struggling children to read.  I left my hometown to go to college, but I never stopped finding ways to help my community read.  I have continuously expanded my own education, and I have never stopped volunteering in teaching and tutoring reading.  I have never been paid for this work.  It eats up a lot of my time.  I don't care.  I'll never ask for a penny and I'll give up as much time as it takes to help someone learn to read. I am 26 and I have been teaching reading for 12 years.

I believe parents who are pushing "big kid" books on young children are well meaning and want their kids to love reading.  However, being well meaning and being right are not the same thing.  The road to Hell, after all, was paved with good intentions.

In order to teach your child to read you need two things:  endless patience and age appropriate books.  By age appropriate I mean reading level appropriate books.  Like anything else in life, not all children read at the same level.  Not all adults read at the same level!  It's ok.  That's ok--they don't have to.  Some kids will read faster than others.  That's ok too.  As long as they're reading and having fun doing it, nothing else matters.

There are age appropriate picture books for infants all the way through adult (what do you think an illustrated novel is?).  For beginning readers, however, I would say most PBs (picture books) are good tools for babies through maybe third grade.  Yes, really.  Third grade.  I'm not saying your third grader can't read a chapter book--I'm saying a fun picture book is a good tool for teaching reading, even to a third grader.

Here are some good rules for teaching reading:

1. Reading needs to be fun.  Make it fun.  Don't make it hard.  It doesn't have to be hard in order to learn.  You wouldn't take little Billy off his big wheel and say, "I think it's time you learn to drove a big kid car," while tossing him the keys to your Toyota.  You don't hand a four year old an algebra book and say "learn some "bid kid" math!"  You shouldn't do that with reading either! You want your child to read comfortably on their own because if s/he can't they will not enjoy it.  If your child doesn't enjoy it--he won't do it, even if you try to make him.

2. If you do not know what is age appropriate for your child then ask somebody.  Local libraries are treasure troves of literacy resources.  Your librarian wants your child to like reading.  They want to help you.  All you have to do is ask.  The same goes for customer service desks at book stores.  Those people want you to buy books your kids will love, and they'll help you find some.  I know.  I worked at book stores and at a library.  Let them help you.

3. The five finger test is a good way to judge a book when you can't find someone to help.  Hint: I think 2-3 fingers is a good book to go with.

4. Have patience.  Don't fuss.  If your child is old enough to help you, then let him/her pick out their own book.  Help them sound out the words.  Remember--your child should not have to sound out every word on the page! If they do, that's not the right book to be using!

5. Have fun.  When you see that light bulb go off and illuminate your child's face with understanding and joy any amount of displeasure you experienced will be immediately erased.

Helpful links for teaching reading:

1. Reading Rockets: Has activities for kids and tips for parents.
2. Book Nuts: Has activities for kids and tips for parents.
3. Succeed To Read: More useful for parents. Has great teaching tips.

If you have questions or concerns that are not covered in this article then please feel free to email me at jenniferwelbornwrites@gmail.com.  I want your child to like reading too!