Don't Let Others Steal Your Joy

"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats."--Voltaire

Way back in April I decided to give the whole positive thinking thing a try.  Some days it's really easy to be happy and stay positive.  Some days, though, it's tough. 

Yesterday I discovered my dream job was available.  When I was five years old I went with my family to this beautiful old plantation outside of Charleston, SC.  It was closed that day, but the grounds were open.  The house towered above my diminutive child's height, it's gray roof held up by ornate Corinthian columns.  Windows with waves of old glass lined a deep front porch and a worn but welcoming wood door stood guard at the entrance.  Trees as tall as skyscrapers stretched toward a blue sky and sunlight spilled in golden puddles across the shaded lawn.  It was the most beautiful place I'd ever seen.  I never wanted to leave.

"I want to live here when I grow up," I breathed.  

"Well you can't.  Nobody can.  But maybe if you're lucky you can work here," my grandpa said. 

And I never forgot it.  That plantation house is the reason I decided to intern at a local historic site as an undergrad.  It's the reason I entered public history and began graduate work in museum studies.  Yesterday I discovered that there's a position available at that plantation house....and my experience and education exceed all of the qualifications required.  I actually have a shot at working at my dream house. 

I was ecstatic.  Until I called my family.  I mistakenly assumed they would be as excited as I was (or they would at least fake it).

"That's a fun place to visit, but you don't want to work there!" 
"Museums don't pay much do they?"  "
"That place is eat up with mosquitoes! You wouldn't like working there!"
"Who would want to live there?  No one would want to live there."

Yes, those are actual comments from my relatives.  Not one positive word.  No "That's great! You should apply!" Or "Wow, Jenn!  It would be really cool to work there."  Nope. None of that.  Just criticism and negativity. 

And just like that my joy was gone, replaced by sadness and doubt.  I was deflated. 

My husband came home and he asked, "Have you applied for the job yet?"

"No.  I'm not sure if I should now,"  I said, explaining my family's doubts and their negative commentary on my excited announcement.

"Why do you let them do that?" he asked.

Hmmm.  Why do I let them do that?  I always call with news that excites me, but every time I dial one of their numbers I find myself holding my breath and hoping the person on the other end of the line will say something nice in response. 
 
It was like a light bulb went off.  I shouldn't have to do that!  I know they don't even realize how incredibly negative they are.  They have no understanding of their own negativity, or the impact that negativity has on me and everyone else around them.  But I shouldn't have to be subjected to such negative feedback--not when I'm happy about something....not ever, really.

But how do I stop it? How do I free myself of this negativity?  Maybe I just shouldn't pick up the phone to call.  I should share my joy with people who will reciprocate it. But then I feel guilty for not trying to share my excitement with them.  But should I feel guilty?  Should I feel guilty for trying to avoid negativity? 

I truly believe positive thinking works.  You get back what you put out there.  Maybe that sounds hippy-dippy and new age nuts to some of you, but I tell you it works.  What goes around does come around and I want to send positive, happy vibes out so they'll come back to me. 

I can't make other people try to be happier, more positive people.  I can't be responsible for other people's reactions to the world around them.  But I can be responsible for me and for what I put out there--and that starts with surrounding myself with happy, positive thinking individuals.  That starts with calling people who will say, "Wow, Jenn.  That's a great opportunity. You should go for it."  That starts with realizing it's okay to be happy, and then allowing myself to be happy.  Happiness starts with me. 

You have to claim your own happiness.  You are responsible for yourself.  You can choose to surround yourself with positive people. You can choose to own your happiness.  And that's what I'm doing--I'm owning my happiness.

The Shoulds...

Should: v. must, ought (used to indicate duty, propriety, or expediency), from dictionary.com

Culture and society teach us that we 'should' meet certain expectations.  These expectations vary by culture, but such suppositions are always present.  I am an American, thus this post will address 'shoulds' that are culturally and societally specific to the United States (though I suspect many will be applicable to other cultures/societies). Inevitably, some of the 'shoulds' discussed will be author specific (and therefore possibly only applicable to myself).

Let me begin by defining what I mean by shoulds.  Shoulds are expectations that when not met result in emotional turmoil or discontent.  Shoulds are the material goods, life events, and ideals we believe we have a duty to possess or complete. We feel a need to live up to our shoulds.

My culture has a case of the shoulds.  As Americans we believe there are certain ideas/images/things we are duty bound to have.  

Some American Shoulds

• I should have the American Dream.
• I should own a house.
• I should have a car.
• I should be a model thin woman with a perfect body.
• I should be a muscular man with athletic prowess.
• I should be married.
• I should have 2.5 children.
• I should be sexually desirable and sexually active.
• I should watch the newest movies and listen to the most popular music.
• I should buy the latest gadgets, the best computer, and the biggest television I can find.

I'm sure there are more, but the above listed shoulds seem to be the most prevalent.

I think shoulds vary by education level.  If you have a college degree your shoulds change (and you might even get a few new ones):

• I should have a career.
• I should have job stability.
• I should make a lot of money.
• I should be financially successful.
• I should buy a BIG house.
• I should buy a luxury car.
• I should own stocks.
• I should be respected professionally.
• I should work for a certain company or live in a certain neighborhood.

Then we have our personal shoulds.  Here are some of my shoulds:

• I should know what I want to do with my life.
• I should have a career by now.
• I should travel a lot more than I do and have more stamps in my passport.
• I should have a baby soon.
• I should be happy and productive.
• I should be a success.

The dictionary says a should is an expectation that indicates duty.  The thesaurus lists the following words as synonymous with duty: obligation, responsibility, burden, work.  Let's think about this for a minute.

Are we really obligated to live up to all of these shoulds?  Are we obligated to buy a house or get married or have a certain job?  Obligated to whom?  The mythical Joneses? Uncle Sam?  Our unborn children?  Ourselves? Who is going to kick the bucket if you don't follow these shoulds? Are you obligated to these shoulds?  No. We are not obligated to anyone to do or have any of these shoulds.

Do we actually have a responsibility to meet these expectations?  Do we have a responsibility to have a baby?  For what?  The continuation of society?  Do we have a responsibility to be smoking hot and have lots of sex?  That sounds pretty irresponsible to me.  Do we have a responsibility to buy a fancy car or a giant tv?  How are these things responsibilities?  To be responsible means to be answerable or accountable.  If we don't have a giant television or six pack abs who are we accountable to?  Culture?  The next door neighbor?  Your boss?  Does Joe Schmoe at the coffee house hold you accountable for what kind of car you drive?

Holding on to the shoulds is a burden and it is a lot of work.  The shoulds generate stress.  The shoulds are unrealistic.  The shoulds are not a productive use of time.  You don't owe anyone these shoulds.  A should is something that makes you feel bad.  A should is something that if you asked yourself 'Do I really want that?' the answer might be no.  What we should do is identify the shoulds in our lives and let them go. We should focus on goals, not shoulds.

A goal is an attainable and productive achievement.  A goal is worth striving for.  A goal is something you really want, something you want for you not something you want just to impress Mrs. Jones across the street.  A goal is something that will make you feel good.  A goal will improve you in some way--internally, not just externally.

I'm letting go of my shoulds.  I'm going to make goals instead.

My Vision Board: Conquering my QLC

Two days ago I stumbled across a term I'd never heard before and right into a major revelation.  The term was Quarterlife Crisis (QLC) and I was smack in the middle of one.  If you drop your open purse down a flight of stairs there's this one moment when all the contents are up in the air at the same exact time and you have no idea where your belongs are going to fall.  I've been feeling a lot like that.  I had no name for it two days ago.  Now I know this feeling is actually a QLC.

I invested in this book:

20 Something Manifesto by Christine Hassler.  I never thought I'd find myself in the Self Help section of the bookstore.  In fact, I haven't taken myself down that aisle since I worked in a bookstore 5 years ago. To be completely honest I usually pass some judgment on the people in that aisle. I look at them and think how can they possibly think a book will help them at all?  Poor saps. Pathetic.  I guess this is my karma.  I sucked it up, swallowed my pride, and walked with my head held high down the aisle I despise and grabbed as many books as I could find about a QLC.  I dumped the books on a table and sat down to figure out which one I should buy.  I settled on this one.  It has stories from other 20 somethings experiencing a QLC.  It has exercises and straight-talking narration.  I like that.  I got over my Self Help phobia and now I'm working my way through my first self-help book.

So far, so good.  I've skipped a few of the stories I don't think I will relate to (like how to deal with being single--I'm married so obviously I'm not having those singles blues) and I've delved into the stories, narration, and exercises that I think may be useful to me.

I skipped ahead a bit in the book to an exercise about a vision board.  I've heard of vision boards before.  My friend Sam and my cousin Brandy have both made their own vision boards.  Both swear it's a useful exercise.  I saw it listed in the exercises table of contents and I was intrigued.

To create a vision board:  cut out words and images that appeal to you from magazines, then use these words and images to create a vision board by gluing them down.  The idea is to glue down ideas, dreams, hobbies, goals, etc. that you want to manifest in your own life.  You're supposed to put the finished product somewhere where you can see it and remind yourself of your goals daily.

I collected every magazine I could find and sat down in the floor to chop out words and pictures that appealed to me.  I then grouped these images and pictures together based around common ideas.  That's just how my mind works.  I see a clutter of information and my brain immediately sets about analyzing and separating that data into files. 

Some of my groupings were unsurprising:  a skeleton key which I glued the words 'work' and 'success' over, an ad for the movie Eat Pray Love which I overlapped with 'Be Good To Yourself' and 'Change is Good'. I love the message in Eat Pray Love (fabulous book) and success or lack thereof has been on my mind for a while.

Other things were things I was surprised to see:  an image of a cozy front porch with the words 'Home Sweet Home' and "Simplified."  That was a light bulb moment.  My life is chaotic.  My home is a cluttered expression of my current chaos.  I don't like it.  I need to simplify both my life and my home.  I have a step to take that I didn't even notice:  de-clutter my home and maybe in the process my life.  That was a big one.  That's a big deal.  My subconscious put together a problem that has really been nagging me and it was a problem that prior to this exercise I did not even recognize.

This vision board thing was a good idea after all.  I recommend you try it.

Hello My Name Is: CLUELESS

I have spent the past year or two floundering around in some un-nameable space filled with confusion and disillusionment.  I turned 26 last year and I was on top of the world.  I was in grad school, and I was kicking major ass as a grad student.  I had managed to accomplish all the things you're supposed to accomplish in a M.A. program and I'd done it in the first year.  Go me.  I was giving a paper at one of the largest and most well respected Medieval Studies conferences in the world in two months.  The one and only career I had ever considered--college professor--was not only attainable, it was within my grasp!  I was doing great.

Fast forward two months:  A TAship that I had rightfully earned had been given to another student.  Now I didn't have anything against that student (or the two returning TAs), but let's face it--I'd rocked my CV that first year and damn it I deserved that position!  Then to make matters worse when I went to speak to my professors about it not one of them actually disagreed with me.  I did have a kick ass CV.  I had totally rocked my first year in grad school.  I had deserved it.  But I didn't get it.  Why?  Blame the passive aggressive bullshit bourgeois politics of higher ed where no one says what they mean, everyone speaks in circles, and you don't get recognition when recognition is well earned.  Higher ed was not the noble space for higher learning that I had so naively believed it to be.  I suddenly realized that I wanted no part of this institution or its gray politics. What now?

Well that was the question of the year and it was the question I had no answer to.  What now? I'll turn 27 in exactly one month and I am still no closer to an answer I feel comfortable with.  What now? I just don't fucking know.  It's terrible.

Then today my friend posted this article on facebook.  It's entitled "Where Have All the Good Men Gone" and since it clearly has nothing to do with me, I have absolutely no idea whatsoever why I even read it.  Something in this completely irrelevant (at least to me) article sparked a mad google search that led me to this article about something called a quarterlife crisis.

What the hell is a quarterlife crisis?  I scan the article and find myself slowing down to really read it. Holy crap!  The stuff in this article sounds like me.  I've spent the past year thinking I've suddenly gone batshit-crazypants and there might actually be a name to this batshit-crazypants funk I've been in?  I-MUST-KNOW-MORE-NOW!!!

So I googled some more and that led me to this article that actually has a 25 question quiz to determine if you're having a quarterlife crisis.  I answered yes to most of the questions.  Here are some of the more pressing questions for me:

4. Are you concerned that you don't know what you want to do with your life?  YES!
9. Do you ever feel that time is running out in regards to figuring out your career and deciding whether you want to get married and/or have children?  YES! I feel like I'm reaching the end of the road.  I'm married and if I ever want kids then I think I'd better figure out my career path and do it NOW before it's too late for both.
12. Do you feel that you have failed because you don't know what you want to do with your life?  Yes.  I really do.  And it is really embarrassing to admit that, even to myself.
14. Is it difficult for you to make decisions and when you do, you question them?  Yes. Everything used to be so black and white.  I knew how to make a good decision and I made decisions quickly.  Now I waffle over everything from what kind of laundry detergent to buy to what kind of job to apply to. It sucks.
15. Do you overanalyze yourself?  Obviously I do or I probably wouldn't be taking a 25 question quiz right now, would I?
23. Are you thinking about going back to grad school because you don't know what else to do with your life? Yes and no...
24. Are you constantly thinking about the future resulting in anxiety and possibly panic? YES!!! It makes me want to puke.
25. Is your life just not at all turning out like you planned? My life is absolutely nothing like what I thought it would be or planned for it to be.

Holy hell!  I'm not batshit-crazypants!  I'm going through a quarterlife crisis!!!  It has a name and its name is not batshit-crazypants!!!! 

Of course naming my funk hasn't gotten me any closer to answering the pressing now what question.  Or has it?  Finding a name for it led me to this website which serves as a social networking tool for twenty-somethings who feel like they too are experiencing a quarterlife crisis.  Recognition of this crisis, and that's exactly what it is--a crisis, has offered me some sense of relief.  And I have been searching, begging, praying, desperately hoping for some relief for a year now.  That's something, right?  I know now that I am not all alone in this.  I am not the only person feeling this pressing anxiety over the 'what now' question.  I am not the only person who doesn't have all the answers.  I am not the only person who has no idea what I am doing.  There is some peace in that.

Now that I can pinpoint exactly what my problem is maybe I will actually be able to solve it.  Maybe knowing the unanswered questions will help me ask better questions--questions that I can actually answer.  Maybe knowing that I'm not batshit-crazypants will help me become less clueless.  Now I think I might actually be able to gain some sense of direction.  Wow.  Revelation.